SULTANA BRAN
The bran is a healthy and
sensible adult breakfast
decision; the sultanas are
a wild ride of fl avour where
anything is possible. Combined,
this cereal is the embodiment
of pathetic rebellion. It’s a
prefect taking one puff of a
cigarette before collapsing into
a coughing fi t as the thrill of
breaking the rules rushes over
them. The box reinforces this
with a funky design describing
a hip new app you can use to...
check your gut fi bre levels.
But while there’s not a lot of
excitement to Sultana Bran,
maybe breakfast excitement
isn’t what you need right now.
This is the kind of wholesome
cereal that would help your
nan carry her shopping if she
were struggling in the rain.
Can you say that of all breakfast
cereals? Sadly, no. There are
many that would happily leave
your nan to drown. For legal
reasons, I cannot name them,
but you know the ones
I mean. JCNUTRI-GRAIN
This is a cereal that posts
photos from Tough Mudder
every week, using physical
strength as a way to detach
from its emotional issues.
You can hear the famous Nutri-
Grain roar with every bite, as if
the cereal is challenging you to
chew harder, eat faster, swallow
the damn spoon. Nutri-Grain is
not a cereal that’s trying to prove
its worth to you. If anything, it’s
the other way around. If they
could, I’m sure the creators of
Nutri-Grain would add massive
dumbbells to every box, so only
those deemed worthy could
pick up the cereal and put it in
a shopping basket. As for taste,
it’s fi ne. A little dreary. Perhaps
the bar was set too high with
the branding. Anything short
of a fl avour punch in the throat
just wouldn’t live up to the
promise of a Nutri-Grain box.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I
need to pound on the inside of
my pantry cupboard until the
cereal shows pity on me and
fi nally opens the door. JCJUST RIGHT
Despite not having had access
to commercial TV for years, I
can still hear the way they say
“Kellogg’s, Just Right” in the
ads for this cereal. How can
I remember that but not my
friend’s birthday? I feel sick
at the sadness of modern life
before I even open the papery
plastic bag, half-fi lled with
dried brown kibble. Just Right
is sold as a ‘healthy breakfast
option’, but I’m sure no one
reading this needs help calling
bullshit on that. I start in on
my bowl of fl akes specked with
sultanas and apricot cubes.
It’s sweet. Everything is sweet.
My cold, wet tongue is sweet.
Even though I’m not full, I’m
not desperate enough to keep
going, either. Does anyone feel
full after this stuff, or are the
people who eat it permanently
hungry? The Kellogg’s website
suggests mixing the cereal
with yoghurt, so perhaps that’s
the only way you can feel full
after a bowl of sweetened
styrofoam. Pass. CC
WEET-BIX
Primary school camp, here
we come! There’s nothing
quite like Weet-Bix with a
side of weak cordial to give
me camp fl ashbacks. Bulk
boxes of Weet-Bix, big vats of
milk and that kid who always
dressed in military fatigues
and bullied me relentlessly.
Weet-Bix brings it all back.
I drop one of the bricks of
compressed wheat into a
bowl and the crunchy sound
is so familiar. For the full
classic experience, I slice
some banana on top. The
rounds of banana look like
funnels on a ship; I pour on
some milk and watch as the
Weet-Bix bloats like a wreck
at the bottom of the ocean.
I’m a fan of soggy Weet-Bix,
so I wait for it to sponge up
all the milk, then destroy it
with my spoon like some
Cold War missile. Delicious
and violent. The next day,
I’m even more violent trying
to scrub the Weet-Bix cement
off my bowl. CCroad test