the former friend zone
DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE PAIN OF
A FRIENDSHIP BREAK-UP, SAYS
NADINE VON COHEN.
There are many, mostly unspoken rules about what adultscanbe
openly sad about and for how long. For example, the deathofaparent
and the end of a romantic relationship are generally considered
worthy of extended periods of overt grief, while the deathofapet
and the end of a friendship aren’t. It’s almost like there’s somesort
of invisible sympathy stopwatch that calls time on public displaysof
emotion about dearly departed pets, bust-ups with matesandother
hardships after just a few days.
I mean, sure, friends and family generally outrank pets inthegrief
pecking order, but not for everybody. For some people,abeloved
animal buddy is their primary, if not sole companion. Andwhy
are platonic relationships considered undeserving of prolonged
mourning? Who made these rules? Do they not know aboutBlossom
and Six? Abbi and Ilana? Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince?Havethey
never had a BFF?
I take my close friendships very seriously, and try to bethekind
of friend I want to have. So, if a bestie decides they don’twant
to play with me anymore, I’m usually pretty devastated.Thishas
only happened a handful of times, but a few friend break-upshave
particularly stung. These were people I spoke to every day,many
times a day, and rarely made a big decision without. So,when
the cords were cut, I was lost and miserable.
Acommonassumptionisthatstrongfriendshipsareforlife,but
ofcourse,manyaren’t.Friendshipsendallthetime.Sometimes
theyendbecauseonefrienddoessomethingthathurtstheother;
sometimesdistanceseverswhatoncefeltlikeanunbreakable
bond;andsometimesfriendshipsendfornodiscernablereason
atall.Peoplearedynamiccreatures,constantlylearning,changing
andadaptingtosocial,financialandenvironmentalcircumstances.
So,itstandstoreasonthattwopeoplemightgrowapartover
theyears.
It’spossiblethatfilmandliteraturehavesoldusthesamerose-
tinted,happily-ever-afterbullshitaboutbestfriendshipsthatthey
haveaboutromances.ThinkingbacktoBlossomandSix,Abbiand
Ilana,JazzyJeffandtheFreshPrince,sure,eachduohadtheir
differencesanddramas,buttheyalwaysmadeupbytheendof
theepisode.EvengrittyordarkcomedieslikeGirlsandIt’sAlways
SunnyinPhiladelphiapositthatnothingcanbustuptruebosom
buddies,whichisjustblatantlyuntrue.
Gettingoverafriendbreak-upistough,andIhopeyounever
experienceit.Manypeoplelivelong,fullliveswithouteverparting
withapal,orgoingintofullmourningwhentheydo.I’mstill
hurtingfromthelasttwotimesIwentthroughit,butI’vealsolearnt
fromthem.I’velearnttoidentifystrainsandanxietiescausedby
friendshipsbeforetheyreachcriticalmass.I’velearntthatIneed
toaddressissuesandstandupformyselfifafriendisbeingunfair
orunkind.AndI’velearntthat,unfortunately,somefriendships
aren’tworthsaving.
Ifyoufindyourselfinafrienddivorce,amicableorotherwise,my
adviceistofocusonallthegoodpeoplestillinyourlifeandnurture
thoserelationships.Trynewthingsandattendmoresocialevents
thatmightleadtomakingnewmates.Andneverletanyoneshame
youforlamentingthelossofaplatoniclove.It’sacruelworld,and
makinggenuineconnectionswithothersbecomesincreasingly
difficultaslifeprogresses.Whenwefindsomeoneweclickwith,
wegrasponwithbothhandsandhopeitlastsforever.It’sonly
natural,then,thatwesufferwhenitdoesn’t.PhotoEylül Aslansomething to say