compulsion to bring your world view
to bear. Instead, ask questions about
what it is that is threatening to the
other person’s beliefs. Bringing to light
these underlying fears can establish
more understanding. This tactic, which
Picard calls the “insight approach,” is
not about winning. “I don’t create any
fuel that requires us to defend our
positions,” she says. “And I have the
possibility of learning something I
didn’t know.”
Curb the Rage Response
It might sound simplistic, but some-
times taking a deep breath really can
help. Physiological responses follow
emotional responses, says Wazny, and
when we become agitated, we enter a
fight-or-flight response.
Kathleen Ladner, a coordinator with
Community Mediation Calgary Society
(CMCS), says this extreme physical
response can be especially common
between bickering neighbours. Petty
disputes will grow until someone
angrily knocks on the neighbour’s door
or verbally accosts another in the
driveway. “People will make demands
of their neighbour or threaten them,
saying, ‘You better do this or else,’” says
Ladner. “And of course, when people
are attacked that way they will shut
down and become defensive.”
Many of Ladner’s clients, living
behind suburban fences or in down-
town condos, only interact when con-
flict reaches this type of breaking
point. But Ladner says the best way to
prevent extreme reactions is to make a
concerted effort to know something
about those around you before issues
arise. Wazny agrees: “They’re not a vil-
lain then. They can still annoy you, but
you have a more reasonable under-
standing of each other to work from.”
As Frances and her neighbour
learned, bridging that simple divide
can work wonders. As the complaints
from downstairs mounted, the build-
ing manager brought in mediators
from CMCS. As soon as the two women
made eye contact for the first time,
things started changing.
“They really provided a safe environ-
ment for both sides,” says Frances,
explaining that the mediators made
sure that each of them had really heard
what the other was saying.
Frances agreed to some changes—
replacing the heavy chairs that came
with the apartment with lighter ones—
but most importantly, the two women
exchanged contact information. If
unexpected noise occurred, the neigh-
bour said she’d call Frances before
making any complaints.
After the meeting, Frances messaged
the neighbour to thank her for the
meeting. “She wrote a really lovely mes-
sage back,” says Frances. “She under-
stood we weren’t doing it on purpose,
and I realized that of course this person
I’d never met does not hate me and isn’t
out to get me. It was amazing—and
such a relief.”rd.ca 51