- “Making it up the stairs
without sweating.”
FORMERLY: “Walking on air.”
Even if you could walk on air, the only
benefit would be knowing how quickly
those around you are going bald based
on the tops of their heads. Plus, it
would be more difficult to get through
doors. Alternately, making it up the
staircase without sweating is a true
achievement. It’s rare, but still technic-
ally possible.
EXAMPLE: When Deidre received her
sashimi after a long wait, it felt as
though he was making it up the stairs
without sweating.
- “Smiling like 80 per cent
dental coverage.”
FORMERLY: “Grinning from ear to ear.”
An ear-to-ear grin is best saved for
comic book villains and self-portraits
drawn by those in Grade 1. Although
it would be amazing to eat an entire
doughnut in a single bite, it would also
be horrifying to witness. Anyone who
has dental coverage, though, should
be smiling all the time.
EXAMPLE: As they accepted the first-
place Scrabble trophy, they were smil-
ing like 80 per cent dental coverage.
- “Happy as my own self on
a day that I’m happy.”
FORMERLY: “Happy as a clam.”
Of all deep-sea creatures, the clam has
got to be one of the most difficult to
assess emotionally. To be as happy as
one could mean that you’re comfort-
able underwater, or that you are about
to be made into a bikini top for a mer-
maid. Best to stick with what you know:
your own state of being.
EXAMPLE: Give me a large cheese pizza
and a Netflix subscription, and I’m as
happy as my own self on a day that
I’m happy.
- “No upstairs neighbours.”
FORMERLY: “On top of the world.”
How can you be on top of a sphere,
when north and south are really just
social constructs? Upstairs neigh-
bours are the bane of all who live
below them—with their clomps, stomps
and drops. Imagine not having any?
Sheer joy.
EXAMPLE: When Ohji received the gold
medal for speed walking, he was no
upstairs neighbours.
- “Maintained an upright
position while in love.”
FORMERLY: “Falling head over heels.”
We are born knowing two things: many
people seek romantic relationships;
most people are not gymnasts. A literal
head-over-heels fall means spending
lots of time with a physiotherapist
and no time with a lover. Therefore, it’s
best to remain standing when mega-
attracted to someone else.
EXAMPLE: Wendy saw him descend the
escalator and enter the credit union,
and she instantly maintained an upright
position while in love.
reader’s digest
rd.ca 79
