WellBeing – August 2019

With addiction and delinquency: Youths who

receive early help for substance abuse or

behavioural issues show more positive results

than those who do not. Interestingly, meta-

analysis revealed that the more support the

youths received at this early stage (multiple

sessions rather than single interventions;

individual rather than group sessions), the

more positive the long-term results.

For wellbeing: People with greater social

connection (ie have people they can

confide in and lean on for support) are

less likely to suffer from depression and

anxiety, have stronger immunity to disease

and live longer. In addition, and perhaps

unsurprisingly, research done at the Greater

Good Science Center in California has

revealed that the happiest people in our

community tend to be those who freely ask

for help and offer it generously to others.

In society: Countries with strong social

policies, such as the Scandinavian nations,

Canada and New Zealand, consistently

lead the world in terms of happiness (World

Happiness Report), prosperity (Legatum

Prosperity Report) and lack of corruption

(Transparency International).

Happy to help

The late puppeteer and television

personality Fred Rogers recalled, “When

I was a boy and I would see scary things

in the news, my mother would say to me,

‘Look for the helpers. You will always find

people who are helping.’”

Of course, it is one thing to understand the

benefits of asking for help. It is quite another

to lay oneself bare; to express vulnerability,

admit you are in need and overcome the fear

of rejection or ridicule that can arise when

you approach others for support. However, it

may help to know that people, it seems, are

always more inclined to help more than you

generally give them credit for.

As Fred Rogers famously stated above,

there are always eager helpers in any

community and in any situation.

In a series of studies conducted at the

Stanford Graduate School of Business,

participants were instructed to ask

strangers for help in a range of various

scenarios: asking for directions, collecting

donations, borrowing a mobile phone

to make a call. According to associate

professor Frank Flynn, who helped conduct

the study, it was revealed that “people seem

to miscalculate how willing others are to say

yes to direct requests”. In fact, the results

showed a gross underestimation — by 50

per cent — of the number of willing helpers

the participants would encounter.

Interestingly, the study also suggested

that the key to gaining assistance was

a forthright request, a direct appeal

for help. People are hardwired for co-

operation and a direct request, it seems,

triggers this social obligation more than

ambiguous and indirect “hint dropping”.

When I was a child, I had the great

privilege of watching my resilient and self-

reliant mother work her way up from the

edge of destitution to eventually become

a bold and savvy businesswoman. In the

process, she raised her three children to be

successful, adventurous and independent

adults. But my mother could never have

done it alone. In her time of greatest

vulnerability, she asked for help — and the

village, that most fundamental linchpin

of humanity, stepped in to carry her.

So, yes. Having the courage

and tenacity to take charge of your

circumstances is vital. Self-reliance,

self-belief and self-responsibility are

admirable personal traits and should be

nurtured and encouraged in all of us.

But the idea that you can succeed in life

without any lifelines, guidance or support is

a dangerous myth. Help is not a four-letter

word. Instead, it must be seen for what it

is: a natural birthright and your greatest

responsibility to one another.

Struggling to ask for help?

Embrace vulnerability. It’s normal to need

help. Seeking support is an incredible

expression of inner strength.

Avoid self-sabotage scenarios. Assess your

options carefully and make sure you avoid

asking those who are likely to be dismissive

or ambivalent toward your needs.

Don’t underestimate the number of

potential helpers. Ask people who appear

to be able to help. Don’t prejudge their level

of interest, capacity or generosity.

Be honest and direct. Your request will

be better heard and accepted if you are

forthright about your needs.

Allow for “no”. A denial of help is not

a personal indictment or attack on you or

your request. Sometimes, people are simply

unable to help. Your needs are valid and you

deserve support. Ask someone else.

Kim Forrester is an award-winning author,

educator and holistic well-being advocate.

kimforrester.net Ph

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Off ering and receiving

help is the cornerstone

of both personal

wellbeing and a well-

functioning society.

96 | wellbeing.com.au

mind

SELF-RELIANCE