Mind Healing
Why it’s easy to fall
prey to confirmation
bias
Page 18Gut feeling
When should you say
no to antibiotics?
Page 19Zeb Soanes
Catherine Pepinster
meets the voice
of the BBC
HEALTH Page 21
FEATURES
W
hen she was growing up, Kate was
aware her father had a temper: “He
would fly off the handle very easily. My
mother was forever telling him to calm down
before he had a heart attack,” she remembers.
“Growing up, if my brother or I ever lost our
temper, our mother would say, ‘Oh, please don’t
have a temper like your father.’”
As a result, Kate learnt to keep her temper in
check, and saw keeping cool in the face of chaos
as a positive thing.
When her children were young and her
marriage began to unravel, she kept calm and
carried on. When her father died, she was back
at work within days and remained stoic. But after
developing insomnia and repeated colds, Kate’s
GP suggested bereavement counselling, which is
where her therapist mentioned a term that felt
like a light bulb moment for Kate: “quiet stress”.
“I prided myself on not being an outwardly
stressy person, like my father,” she says. “I never
lost my temper or appeared stressed. In fact, I
stayed calm in even the most trying, awful
situations. But I was inwardly, quietly stressed.”
The term “quiet stress” is gathering pace
among experts, who say it’s an often overlooked
form of the more widely known version, which is
characterised by visible outbursts: fraying
tempers, swearing, shouting, and anger.
“I see a lot of people who are suffering from
quiet stress, often without even realising it,” says
Jillian Lavender, of the London Meditation Centre.
“The most well-known version of stress – the
pent-up, angry kind – leads people to overreact.
You get angry because the driver in front of you
is inconsiderate. You yell at your kids over minor
things because your have too much to do. You
shout or stomp at work, because you feel
overwhelmed by deadlines.
“Quiet stress, on the other hand, causes us to
underreact. We quietly hold our stress within:
we don’t speak up about how we feel, rather than
over-speaking. And, crucially, we become inert.
We don’t act on situations that require action.We stay in unhappy relationships and
unfulfilling jobs. We feel overwhelmed, yet
ignore important admin tasks. We procrastinate.
Quiet stress creates a form of emotional paralysis
that keeps us ‘stuck’ in unhappy situations.
Inaction is just as much of an inappropriate
response to stress as overreaction is.”
Cary Cooper, a professor of psychology and
health at the University of Manchester, has also
seen a rise in quiet-stress sufferers.
“Expressing anger or showing emotion is
increasingly frowned upon, but we know that
quiet stress suppresses the immune system and
contributes to a range of different illnesses, like
heart disease and lowered immunity, making
you more likely to pick up colds and bugs. The
effects of quiet stress can have repercussions on
both your physical and mental health.”
He likens the effects of quiet stress to
shrapnel: “You can learn to quieten your stress
responses, but eventually the stress will emerge:
as well as a suppressed immune system, you may
withdraw socially, isolate yourself and begin to
engage in unhealthy habits like comfort eating or
drinking too much.”
In fact, blowing off steam – like tennis “bad
boy” Nick Kyrgios – may be more useful than
retaining a Roger Federer-esque serenity.
“Loudly showing stress – as long as it’s not
done in a maladaptive way or is hurtful to others- is actually better for you,” says Prof Cooper.
“It illustrates to those around that you’re
frustrated and that things need to change. If you
internalise your stress, however, people won’t
know you’re struggling. Despite getting a bad rap
over the years, expressing anger or frustration is
far healthier than smiling sweetly while feeling
quietly stressed.”
A recent study from Stanford University backs
this theory up, after it found embracing stress
can make you more resilient and happier. The
researchers found that seeing stress as a helpful
part of life’s challenges, rather than as something
to be avoided, was associated with better health,
The public face of stress is screaming rage but, as Maria Lally reports, there is a
growing epidemic of people who don’t voice their anger, and suffer just as much
Are you suffering from
‘quiet stress’?
‘Crucially,
quiet
stress
causes us
to become
inert. We
do not
act on
situations
that
require
action’
emotional wellbeing and productivity. Viewing
stress as harmful led people to “release” stress by
getting drunk or procrastinating.
Conversely, viewing stress as a positive thing
led to people tackling the source of their stress or
seeking social support.
“Stress isn’t always harmful,” said Kelly
McGonigal, a lecturer at Stanford who worked
on the study. “Once you appreciate that going
through stress makes you better at it, it can be
easier to face each new challenge.”
Of course, Prof Cooper says, prolonged stress- either the loud or quiet kind – can be harmful,
by elevating stress hormones in the body and
increasing your risk of heart disease, obesity and
early death.
But the loud kind at least has the benefit of
providing a physical release and letting others
know you need help. Lavender says certain
people are more prone to quiet stress, including
those who are timid, less forthright, unsure of
themselves, and women: “It’s a bit of a
generalisation, but there seems to be a feminine
consciousness towards not showing anger, and
being attuned to the feelings of others and
quietly carrying the load.”
Prof Cooper, however, thinks that men who
find it hard to open up emotionally are more at
risk of quiet stress: “Men often bury their stress
and then it comes out as anger. While women
generally have more reasons to be stressed – they
often carry the double load of work and home
and invest more emotionally in the latter –
they’re better at talking to others about their
feelings.”
It was doing this that helped Kate open up to
her counsellor about her marriage, which she
had felt quietly unhappy in for years. She
eventually divorced her husband.
“Acknowledging quiet stress doesn’t always
involve big changes like divorce or a new job, but
it often helps you address things you’ve been
silently stressing about,” says Lavender.
*Some names have been changed
S DOMINICK/GETTY IMAGESHOW TO DEAL WITH
QUIET STRESSLook out for it: “Are
you unhappy with a
situation yet doing
nothing to change it,
drinking or eating
more than usual,
overthinking
situations but not
talking about them
out loud, or
procrastinating while
falling behind on
your to-do list? If so,
you could be quietly
stressed,” says
Lavender.
Speak up: “Not
speaking up for
yourself is often a
symptom of quiet
stress,” says Lavender.
“If somebody sitting
next to you on the
train is playing their
music too loud,
politely ask them to
turn it down. If your
boss is overloading
you, calmly tell them
and discuss ways to
address your
workload. Don’t
quietly stew.”
Treat it as you
would regular stress:
“In the same way that
regular exercise, a
balanced diet,
mindfulness or
meditation, timespent with loved
ones, and not
overcommitting
yourself at work,
home or socially,
helps to counter the
effects of externally
shown stress, the
same applies for quiet
stress,” says Prof
Cooper.
Talk to somebody:
“Whether it’s a
trusted friend or a
counsellor, talking
helps to dissipate
quiet stress,” says Prof
Cooper.
Write it down: “If
you’re unable to
speak up about what’s
bothering you, write
down your feelings
after the event in a
quiet environment,”
says Lavender. “For
example, ‘I should
have said this, or done
that, when that
person upset me.’ Or,
‘This is how I’m
feeling ...’ There’s a
real value in being
able to release your
stress, rather than
internalising it. This
is especially helpful
for introverts, or
those who struggle
with confrontation.”The Daily Telegraph Monday 19 August 2019 *** 17
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