hereisa lotoftalkaboutthedivisioninourworld
thesedays.Fingerpointingbetweenpolitical
partiesandreligiousgroups;accusations
runningbackandforthbetweenpeopleofdifferent
immigrationhistories.Angerseemstobeleading
andthriving.Adoptit andyourvoicewillbeheardin
ralliesandTwitterfollowers.Transformit intolove,
dialogueandbridging,andthetractionisfarless.
I wassharinghowlonelythismakesmefeeltoa friend
overdinnerrecently,whichseemedtosurprisehim.
“ButZainab,I thoughtyouarea strongbelieverin
liberalvalues?”“Iam,”I saidwithoutanyhesitation.
“ButI nolongerbelievethatangeristhemostuseful
forceforcreatingtheequalityandjusticeweneedin
theworld.”I wentontoexplainthatangerultimately
dividesus,thatit scarespeopleaway.Andthatwhen
weleadwithanger,weriskbecomingtheverythingwe
arefightingagainst.Instead,I said,wehavetoreach
outwithdialogueandevenlovewhenit comesto
thosewedisagreewith.
Myfriendwassurprisedbecausethiswasquitea
shiftinmythinking.I hadworkedwithangerforthe
longestpartofmylifeandbuilta majorwomen’s
organisationaroundit.Butsomethingchangedinme
whenI wasworkingata refugeecampinAfghanistan.
MycolleaguesandI hadbeenprovidingfinancialand
educationalsupporttoAfghanwomen,andattheend
ofa particularlylongday,Ibecamedeeplyunsettled
whentwoAfghanmenstartedwalkingtowardsme.
TheylookedliketheTaliban,andI panickedthat
theywerecomingtohurtmeforworkingonwomen’s
rights.I wantedtorushoutofthecamptosavemy
lifebutmyAfghancolleaguesaidI’dbewiserto
stayandseewhattheywanted.Asthemencame
closertheyreachedouttoshakemyhandsandsaid,
“Wewanttothankyouformakingourwiveshappy.”
There’sa sayingthatgoes,“Weseethingsaswe
are.Wedonotseethingsastheyare.”That’swhat
I hadbeendoing.Thisexperienceforcedmeto
confrontthefactthatI hadbecomeprejudicedin
myrighteousanger.Whoelse,I wondered,hadI
disconnectedfrominthisway,andwherewerethe
pitfallsofmyunderstandingsandassumptions?
I decidedthatformetogrowfrommyown
prejudices,I neededtogetoutofthecomfort
zoneofinteractingonlywithpeopleI agreewith,
andmeetthe“other,”whoeverthatmaybe.
Theprocesstaughtmethatfeariscreatedonboth
sidesofa point.Webuilda wall,isolateourselves,
andstaycomfortableinourjudgmentthat“they”
arebad and “we” are good. But if the goal is to create
change, then we need to take a leap of faith and
lower the walls of our fears and protections. In this
way, we start to show one another the essence of
our values and engage in a constructive dialogue.
After the experience in Afghanistan, I embarked
on a journey of conversations and engagements
with men in the conflict zones I operated. I came
to understand that there are men who never killed
and could never rape, men in pain at their lack of
ability to protect and provide for their families,
and then yes, men who are aggressors. I started to
look to men as potential allies who could help the
cause of ensuring women’s safety. And amazingly,
we ended up with male leaders in a number of
communities talking about women’s rights and how
every man needs to be part of promoting them.
These days, my advocacy is about engaging more
than shaming. It is about bridge-building not wall-
building. It is ultimately about seeing the humanity in
each person and trusting that it is possible to make
productive change without alienating others. I am
a liberal who goes out of my way to be in dialogue
with conservatives. As a Muslim and an immigrant,
I go out of my way to engage with people who fear
Muslims and immigrants. And as a feminist, I go out
of my way to engage with those who oppose my
values. The process has helped me grow intellectually
and emotionally, come to new understandings,
and even create new alliances. I have learned that
building a bridge may not always work on first try,
but we must persist with many different hands until
the bridge is so strong, no one can ever destroy it.
A bridge that cannot be destroyed
T
ALUMNI ON BELONGING 23