Dumbo Feather – July 2019

hereisa lotoftalkaboutthedivisioninourworld

thesedays.Fingerpointingbetweenpolitical

partiesandreligiousgroups;accusations

runningbackandforthbetweenpeopleofdifferent

immigrationhistories.Angerseemstobeleading

andthriving.Adoptit andyourvoicewillbeheardin

ralliesandTwitterfollowers.Transformit intolove,

dialogueandbridging,andthetractionisfarless.

I wassharinghowlonelythismakesmefeeltoa friend

overdinnerrecently,whichseemedtosurprisehim.

“ButZainab,I thoughtyouarea strongbelieverin

liberalvalues?”“Iam,”I saidwithoutanyhesitation.

“ButI nolongerbelievethatangeristhemostuseful

forceforcreatingtheequalityandjusticeweneedin

theworld.”I wentontoexplainthatangerultimately

dividesus,thatit scarespeopleaway.Andthatwhen

weleadwithanger,weriskbecomingtheverythingwe

arefightingagainst.Instead,I said,wehavetoreach

outwithdialogueandevenlovewhenit comesto

thosewedisagreewith.

Myfriendwassurprisedbecausethiswasquitea

shiftinmythinking.I hadworkedwithangerforthe

longestpartofmylifeandbuilta majorwomen’s

organisationaroundit.Butsomethingchangedinme

whenI wasworkingata refugeecampinAfghanistan.

MycolleaguesandI hadbeenprovidingfinancialand

educationalsupporttoAfghanwomen,andattheend

ofa particularlylongday,Ibecamedeeplyunsettled

whentwoAfghanmenstartedwalkingtowardsme.

TheylookedliketheTaliban,andI panickedthat

theywerecomingtohurtmeforworkingonwomen’s

rights.I wantedtorushoutofthecamptosavemy

lifebutmyAfghancolleaguesaidI’dbewiserto

stayandseewhattheywanted.Asthemencame

closertheyreachedouttoshakemyhandsandsaid,

“Wewanttothankyouformakingourwiveshappy.”

There’sa sayingthatgoes,“Weseethingsaswe

are.Wedonotseethingsastheyare.”That’swhat

I hadbeendoing.Thisexperienceforcedmeto

confrontthefactthatI hadbecomeprejudicedin

myrighteousanger.Whoelse,I wondered,hadI

disconnectedfrominthisway,andwherewerethe

pitfallsofmyunderstandingsandassumptions?

I decidedthatformetogrowfrommyown

prejudices,I neededtogetoutofthecomfort

zoneofinteractingonlywithpeopleI agreewith,

andmeetthe“other,”whoeverthatmaybe.

Theprocesstaughtmethatfeariscreatedonboth

sidesofa point.Webuilda wall,isolateourselves,

andstaycomfortableinourjudgmentthat“they”

arebad and “we” are good. But if the goal is to create

change, then we need to take a leap of faith and

lower the walls of our fears and protections. In this

way, we start to show one another the essence of

our values and engage in a constructive dialogue.

After the experience in Afghanistan, I embarked

on a journey of conversations and engagements

with men in the conflict zones I operated. I came

to understand that there are men who never killed

and could never rape, men in pain at their lack of

ability to protect and provide for their families,

and then yes, men who are aggressors. I started to

look to men as potential allies who could help the

cause of ensuring women’s safety. And amazingly,

we ended up with male leaders in a number of

communities talking about women’s rights and how

every man needs to be part of promoting them.

These days, my advocacy is about engaging more

than shaming. It is about bridge-building not wall-

building. It is ultimately about seeing the humanity in

each person and trusting that it is possible to make

productive change without alienating others. I am

a liberal who goes out of my way to be in dialogue

with conservatives. As a Muslim and an immigrant,

I go out of my way to engage with people who fear

Muslims and immigrants. And as a feminist, I go out

of my way to engage with those who oppose my

values. The process has helped me grow intellectually

and emotionally, come to new understandings,

and even create new alliances. I have learned that

building a bridge may not always work on first try,

but we must persist with many different hands until

the bridge is so strong, no one can ever destroy it.

A bridge that cannot be destroyed

T

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