GOOD LAUGHS
http://www.drum.co.za 15 AUGUST (^2019) | 47
THE LONG AND THE SHORT
A young boy has just gotten his driver’s licence.
He asks his father, who is a minister, if they
could discuss the use of the car.
His father takes him to his study and says to
him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You improve your
school marks, study your bible a little and get
your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.”
After about a month the boy comes back and
again asks his father if they could discuss the
use of the car.
They again go to the father’s study where his
father says, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you.
You have improved your school marks, you’ve
studied your bible diligently, but you didn’t get
your hair cut!”
The young man waits a moment and replies,
“Well, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You
know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long
hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long
hair.. .”
To which his father replies, “Yes, and they
walked everywhere they went!”
THREE LITTLE PIGS
Three little pigs go out to dinner one night. The
waiter comes over and takes their drink order.
“I would like a Sprite,” the first little piggy
says.
“I would like a Coke,” the second little piggy
says.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” the third
little piggy says.
The drinks are brought out and the waiter
takes their orders for dinner.
“I want a nice big steak,” the first piggy says.
“I would like the salad plate,” says the second
piggy.
“I want water, lots and lots of water,” says the
third little piggy.
The meals are brought out and a while later
the waiter approaches the table and asks if the
piggies would like any dessert.
“I want a banana split,” the first piggy says.
“I want a chocolate brownie and ice cream,”
the second piggy says.
“I would like water, lots and lots of water,” the
third little piggy exclaims.
DANGEROUSDENTIST
Oneda,a manwalksintoa dentist’sofficeand
askshowmuchitwillcosttoextractwisdom
teeth.“Eightthousandrand,”thedentistsays.
“That’sa ridiculousamount,”themansays.
“Isn’ttherea cheaperway?”
“Well,”thedentistsays,“ifyoudon’tuse
ananaesthetic, I canknockthepricedown
toR6000.”
Lookingannoyedthemansays,“That’sstill
tooexpensive!”
“Okay,”thedentistsays.“IfI saveonanae
sthesiaandsimplyriptheteethoutwitha pair
ofpliers,I canknockthepricedowntoR1800.”
“Nope,”themanmoans,“it’sstilltoomuch.”
“Well,”saysthedentist,scratchinghishead,
“ifI letoneofmystudentsdoit,I supposeI can
knockthepricedowntoR350.”
“Marvellous,” themansays,“bookmywifefor
nextTuesday!”
BLONDEAMBITION
Threewomenareabouttobeexecutedfor
crimes.One’sa brunette,one’sa redheadand
one’sa blonde.
Twoguardsbringthebrunetteforward,
andtheexecutionerasksifshehasanylast
requests.Shesaysno,andtheexecutioner
shouts,“Ready... aim.. .”
Suddenlythebrunetteshouts,“Earthquake!”
Everyoneisstartledandlooksaround.She
managestoescape.
Theangryguardsthenbringtheredhead
forward,andtheexecutionerasksifshehasany
lastrequests.Shesaysno,andtheexecutioner
shouts,“Ready... aim.. .”
Theredheadthenscreams,“Tsunami!”
Yetagain,everyoneisstartledandlooks
around.Shetooescapesexecution.
Bythispoint,theblondehasfiguredoutwhat
theothersdid.Theguardsbringherforward,
andtheexecutionerasksifshehasanylast
requests.Shealsosaysno,andtheexecutioner
shouts,“Ready... aim.. .”
Theblondeshouts,“Fire!”
MEN’SRULES
1 ShoppingisNOTa sport.
1 Cryingisblackmail.
1 Askforwhatyouwant.Letusbeclear:
subtlehintsdon’twork!Stronghintsdon’t
work!Obvioushintsdon’t work!Justsayit!
“Pardon me for asking,” says the waiter
to the third little piggy, “but why have
you only ordered water all evening?”
The third piggy says, “Well, I drew
the short straw and somebody has
to go ‘wee, wee, wee’ all the way
home!”
THE GOOD BROTHER
Two little brothers had been
squabbling all day over who gets
to be the knight in shining armour
and who has to be the prisoner until
their mother decides to distract them
by making them their favourite treat –
pancakes.
Asshe is busy preparing the batter for the
pancakes, her sons, Kgomotso and Thapelo,
begintoargue over who should get the first
pancake.
Their mother sees this as an opportunity for a
moral lesson.
“Boys, if Jesus were sitting here He would
say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can
wait’. He wouldn’t argue with his brother.”
Kgomotso seems to be taking this lesson to
heart.
He sits a while then turns to his younger
brother and says, “Thapelo, you can be Jesus!”
WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY?
Awomanaccompaniesherhusbandtothe
doctor’soffice.
Afterhischeckup, the doctor calls the wife
into his office alone.
He says, “Your husband is suffering from a
very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow
my instructions carefully, your husband will
surely die.
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant at all times. For lunch, make
him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an
especially nice meal for him.
“Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss
your problems with him, it will only make his
stress worse. Do not nag him.
“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a
year, I think your husband will regain his health
completely.”
On the way home, the husband asks his wife,
“Well, what did the doctor say?”
“Hesaidyou’regoingtodie,”shereplies.
FOLLOW THE SIGN
The shopkeeper is dismayed when a brand-new business
much like his own opens up next door and erects a huge sign
that reads: BEST DEALS.
He is horrified when another competitor opens up on his
right, and announces its arrival with an even larger sign,
reading: LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper is panicked, until he has an idea. He puts
the biggest sign of all over his own shop – it reads: MAIN
ENTRANCE.
BAD
ROMANCE
Two women are
shopping. When they start
discussing their home lives, one
says, “Seems like all Alfred and I do
these days is fight. I’ve been so
upset I’ve lost 20kg.”
“Why don’t you just leave him
then?” her friend asks.
“Oh no! Not yet.. .” the first
replies, “I’d like to lose at
least another 15kg
first.”