Next New Zealand – September 2019

M

ost people come

home to get away

from work, so I’m a

bit perplexed about

the new trend of

running your family

like a business. I’m not talking about

owninga cornerdairyandhavingthekids

helpoutbehindthecounter.I meanwhen

you make an Excel spreadsheet of your

children’scellolessonsorsendWhatsapp

messagestotellyourkidstocometodinner.

Yes,apparentlyit’sa thing.

Manyfamiliesareusingbusinesssoftware

such as Slack (a work-productivity app,

described as “wherework happens”) and

project-managementplatforms likeTrello

to communicate with each other.

“Confrontedwithrelentlessbusyness,some

modern households are starting to run

morelikeofces,”reportsTheAtlantic.

“We do family meetings every Sunday

wherewereviewourgoalsfortheweek,to-

dolistandactivitiescomingup,”saysone

mother.“Itracknotesforthemeeting[in

Trello].I havedifferentsections,goalsfor

the week, a to-do list.” Without this

productivity and task-management soft-

ware,shedoesn’tknowhowhersoncould

manage to track his responsibilities and

deadlines.Poorkid.

I thinkthisfamily-as-corporationtrend

is terrifying, yet The Atlantic seems to

approve. It quotesone ofitsown writers

whosendsmemostoherhusbandsuchas,

“Asper ourearlierconversation, wehave

decidedthatthechildrenwillbeenrolled

intenniscampoverthesummer.Pleaselet

meknowif youwanttofollowuponthis.”If

I gota messagelikethisfrommyspouse,I’d

thinkwewereheadingfordivorce,butthis

writersaysshejustaimsto runa “business-y”

household.AllI knowis if I wereoneofher

kids,I’dwanttoresign.

I know, capitalism is better than the

alternative, and brought us modern

dentistryandreticulatedplumbing.Cheers

forthat.Butit alsobroughtushedgefunds

andzero-hourcontracts,socanweatleast

acknowledgethatthecultureof corporations

• mostofthem– is designedtoberuthless
  and brutal? I get it. Inthe systemwe’ve
  created,winner takesall.Youusedtobe
  abletoleavecompetition,spreadsheetsand
  therelentlessquestforproductivityatthe
  ofce,butnowit seemsfamiliesareturning

into corporations as well. Foucault, the

philosopherwhoraised ourawareness of

the oppressive nature of modern power,

wouldbeturninginhisgrave.

InTheAtlantic, anothermotherexplains

howshesetupherfourkidsonTrelloto

keepupwithchores,to-dolists,shopping

andhomework.“Iuseit everydaytokeep

trackofwhatschoolworkI needtodo,or

places I need tobe, things tobuy,” says

Hannah,her15-year-olddaughter.

I, too,havea 15-year-olddaughter.I try

toteachhertoquestionwhethershereally

“needs”todoallthesethings,buyallthese

things,followthecrowd.I wanthertolearn

tosayno. Whendidkidsstarthavingto

becomeminiCEOs?

AndthereI wasthinkingfamilieswere

supposedtobea softplacetofall,where

youcanbeyourself,andstillbeloved,like

thefamilyinAustralianmovieTheCastle, in

which you can be praised for your

bedazzling or rissoles rather than being

some Nietzschean super-achiever. But it

feelsasif thosesortoflaidbackfamiliesare

becominghardertond,orcreate.

There’sa biggerissuehere,aboutwhatit

meanstobea child,and whatbondsus.

Children’sfree-playtimehasbeenonthe

declineformorethan 50 years,andtheir

participationin extracurricular activities

has led to more schedule-juggling for

parents.Parentsarebusier too,especially

those whose jobs demand ever more

attentionafterhours. According toa 2015

report,65%ofparentswitha degreesaythey

havetroublebalancingworkandfamily.

Butmaybewe’regoingaboutthisall

wrong. Perhaps the answer

isn’tmorecontrol,butless.

Middle-classfamiliesfeel

under pressure to parent

ourchildreninsucha waythat

they’ll turn out ‘right’

(whateverthatis).Parentstry

tohelptheirchildrenwinata

successionoftasksinlife,from

buildingvolcanomodelstoNCEA,

butintheprocesswemayenduplimiting

theverypotentialwe’retryingtofoster.

Wespeakofgoodandbadparentingand

there’sa tendencytoqueryourownchoices.

Areweworkingtoomuchortoolittle?Are

we protecting them too much or not

enough? For developmental psychologist

Alison Gopnik, these are the wrong

questions.Sheexcoriatestheparents“who

want to shape their three-year-olds into

Harvardfreshmen” because herresearch

shows children ourish the most when

they’releftfreetoexplore.Weshouldbe

gardeners,nurturingourchildrensothey

cangrow,notcarpenters,tryingtohammer

themintot-for-useobjects.

Theprevailingparentingmodelassumes

parentsarealwaysactiveandchildrenare

alwayspassive,butAlisonwouldlikeusto

thinkofit asaninterplay,likedancing.“To

bea wifeis nottoengagein‘wing’;tobea

friendis notto‘friend’,evenonFacebook;

and we don’t ‘child’ our mothers and

fathers.Yettheserelationshipsarecentral

towhoweare.”

Bringing up children is nota form of

work,it’sa formoflove.AlthoughI haveto

laugh,becauseasI waswritingthiscolumn,

I yelledouttomyson,“Doyouwantsome

brekky?” He was on his computer with

headphoneson,anddidn’thearme.SoI

senthis alterego ‘Flurreo’a messageon

Discord, a gaming platform, then took

somebreakfasttomydaughter.

I noticedshehada pageopenwithtasks

prioritised in colours in order of

importance.“Youhavea Trello account?”

I asked,towhichshereplied,

“I’vehadoneforyears,

Mum, so I can

organise all the

animation parts I

havetodo.”

So much for my

organic household.

Youjustdoyou,even

if you’re a mumwith

a clipboard.

*

‘WE SHOULD BE GARDENERS, NURTURING

OUR CHILDREN SO THEY CAN GRO NOT

CARPENTERS TRYING TO HAMMER THEM

INTO FIT-FOR-USE OBJECTS’

by Deborah Hill Cone

What do

y
ink?

What can parents do better

to make their children

fl ourish? Write to us at

[email protected]

Photographs

Getty Images and supplied

SEPTEMBER 2019 / NEXT 161

BACKCHAT