76 yourfamily.co.zaT
eensareatacomplex,scaryandoftenlonelypointintheirlife’s
journey.They’recaughtbetweentheboundsofchildhood,still
needingthecomfortandsafetyofbeingakid,andthefreedomsof
adulthood.Whilemostteenstendtopushtheboundariesintheirdesire
forexperimentationandtheexplorationofadultlife,somebreakthose
boundariesentirely,leavingparentsworriedabouttheirsafetyandfuture
opportunities.Sohowdoyounavigatelifewithateenagerwhennormal
parentingtechniquesandpunishmentsfail?WHATCONSTITUTES‘OUTOFCONTROL’?
WHYISSOMETEENS’
BEHAVIOURSOEXTREME?
Whileeveryone’sdifferent,andsomeyoungsters
reacttotheirsurroundinginfluencesandlife
situationsmorepositivelythanothers,thereare
consistentexplanationsthatcanbefoundwhen
itcomestoseriouslymisbehavingteens.This
canbeconfusingforparents,especiallyifone or
moreoftheirkidsappeartobebehavingnormally,
whileanother’sactingouttotheextreme.While
youmightfeelyou’redoingeverythingyoucan to
disciplineyourteen,therearevariousblindspots
manyparentsfailtorecognise.Sellshighlights
someofthemostcommonreasonsteensveer out
ofcontrolwhichparentsmaynotevenbeaware of:RULESAREN’TCLARIFIED
Whileitmayseemoverthetop,it’sworthactually
writingoutaclearcontractwhenitcomestowildly
disobedientteens,andhavingthemsignit.Teens
tendtobeextremelyliteral-minded,soverbally
communicatedrulesthatseemperfectlyclear to
youmayactuallybeopentointerpretation.For
example,youmightfeelthat‘don’tbedisrespectful’
isagoodcatch-all,butateenlookingfora
loopholecaneasilymanipulatethesituationto
theiradvantage.Ifyouhaven’tspecifiedexactly
whatbehaviourandlanguageyouconsiderto be
disrespectful,they’relikelytoargueuntilthey’reInhisbookParentingYourOut-of-
ControlTeenager(PanMacmillan),
familytraumaexpertScottPSells,
PhD,outlinesexamplesofbehaviours
whichwouldbeconsideredbeyond
normalteenagebounds.
Thesecharacteristicsoftenlead
toadiagnosisofoppositionaldefiant
disorder,orconductdisorder,ifthey
persistovertime:
Shorttemperand
impulsiveactions.
Consistentproblemsatschooland
performingbadlyacademically.
Tryingtoprojecta‘tough’image,
eventhoughthey’refeeling
insecuredeepdown.
Alackoftakingresponsibilityfor
theirwrongdoing.Strugglingtogetalongwithco-
workersandmaintainingajob.
Abusingalcoholordrugs
beyondthenormalrealmsof
teenexperimentationandtaking
partinotherillegalactivitieslike
joyriding,vandalisingproperty
andshoplifting.
Displaying a high risk of
developing anti-social personality
disorder as they move towards
adulthood, showing little or no
remorse or guilt for pain
or harm they’ve caused
and difficulty in maintaining long-
term relationships.Each of these behaviours, writes
Sells, is a sign of potential trouble.WE EXPECT A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF DIFFICULT BEHAVIOUR FROM TEENS,
BUT WHAT CAN BE DONE WHEN THE LINE BETWEEN REBELLION AND LOSINGCONTROL IS CROSSED?
AN OUT-OF-CONTROL
TEEN
HANDLING