3 August 2019 | New Scientist | 53The back pages Feedback
That’s methed up
In these troubled times, it can
be difficult to know exactly what
flavour of dystopia we are living
through. There are moments
when it seems like the one where
a superintelligent AI takes over the
world; then a heatwave strikes and
it all feels closer to a Mad Max-style
anarcho-wasteland. For a few days
last week, however, it looked
as though something radically
different was going to devastate
the human race: meth-crazed
mutant crocodilians from the
swamps of Tennessee.
On 15 July, CNN reported that
police in the “volunteer state” had
asked residents to stop flushing
their drugs down the toilet during
police raids, because of the risk to
local wildlife. “Ducks, geese and
other fowl frequent our treatment
ponds and we shudder to think
what one all hyped up on meth
would do,” the police wrote on
Facebook. Break into a breadcrumb
factory, probably, or hold up park
visitors at beakpoint for seeds. But
the situation was set to get worse:
the drugs could make it as far as
Shoal Creek, the police warned,
home to a population of alligators.
Sadly for those of us whose
interest was piqued by this newer,
scalier brand of apocalypse, the
existence of “meth gators” turned
out to be a humorous exaggeration.
A few days after their initial
announcement, the police admitted
that they had been joking. The risk
of becoming the victim of an
alligator’s bad trip remains
vanishingly small.
But that may still be preferable to
the future awaiting those beside the
Gulf of Mexico, where a population
of American crocodiles has set up
home in the grounds of a nuclear
power station. Classified as a
vulnerable species following
decades of human persecution,
the colony of crocodiles inhabiting
the canals around the power plant
in Turkey Point, Florida, is
being closely monitored by
conservationists, who are perhaps
wary of the emergence of a vengeful
superpowered mutant croc.
website describes the device as
“designed for remote ignition of
aerial and ground targets” – well,
what did you expect? – and notes
that it isn’t considered a weapon
under US federal law. Hoo-ah!
Throwflame also says its drone
attachment brings “new levels of
efficiency and manageability to
agriculture”. Ah yes, agriculture.
Repeat after us: no officer, I haven’t
seen any drug-crazed alligators
nearby. This? Oh, this flame-drone
is just an old piece of farming
equipment. Good day!Is it a bird...?
Meanwhile, Steve Jones notes
that superheroes may already
walk among us. On Instagram,
pop star Grimes sticks her tongue
firmly in her cheek to reveal her
training regimen.
“I first maintain a healthy
cellular routine where I maximize
the function of my mitochondriawith supplements such as NAD+,
Acetyl L-Carnitine, Magnesium,
etc [...] From that point I spend
2-4 hours in my deprivation tank,
this allows me to ‘astro-glide’ to
other dimensions - past, present,
and future.
“In the afternoons I do a 1-2 hour
sword fighting session with my
trainer, James Lew [...] I have also
eliminated all blue light from my
vision through an experimental
surgery that removes the top film
of my eyeball and replaces it with
an orange ultra-flex polymer that
my friend and I made in the lab
this past winter as a means to cure
seasonal depression.” She adds:
“I go to bed with a humidifier on.”
Our guess is that the Canadian
warbler is mocking the over the
top workout plans of fellow
celebrities such as Mark Wahlberg.
But just to be on the safe side,
Feedback is making a spotlight
that beams a maple leaf silhouette
into the sky in times of crisis. ❚“American crocodiles have a
bad reputation when they are just
trying to survive,” wildlife biologist
Michael Lloret told the Associated
Press. “They are shy and want
nothing to do with us. Humans
are too big to be on their menu.”
For now, Michael. For now.Captain Instagram
If we are to face an army of
irradiated super-crocs, it is only
fair that the human race has its
own superpowered hero to lead
the charge. Thankfully, social
media influencers are hard at
work on their own origin stories.
Previously, Feedback noted
how visitors to the “Siberian
Maldives” (a photogenic pool of
ethereal blue that is also a flooded
coal ash dump) were risking
painful skin irritations to get likes
on Instagram (27 July). Now, the
Spaniards are at it too, following
the discovery of an equally vivid
lake in Monte Neme in Galicia.
Several people have now fallen ill
after bathing in this tailings pond
of an abandoned tungsten mine.
If there is one thing we know
from comic books, it is that a dip
in toxic goo is a sure-fire way to
get super: just ask Daredevil or
the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
As far as we know, none of the
Siberian or Galician swimmers
has achieved the power of flight
or super strength, but surely it is
only a matter of time before one of
them is granted something better
than dermatological distress.Money to burn
Heroes need cool kit if they
are to fight crime – and mutant
crocodiles – in style. Thankfully,
our current dystopia provides
both a challenge and a solution.
Hitting the shelves imminently
is the Throwflame TF-19 Wasp,
a long-distance incendiary
device that can be attached
to a commercial drone.
The $1500 gasoline-fuelled
flamethrower can dispense up to
100 seconds of fiery justice over a
range of 7 metres. The ThrowflameGot a story for Feedback?
Send it to New Scientist, 25 Bedford Street,
London WC2E 9ES or you can email us at
[email protected]Liana Finck for New Scientist