Well enough is enough. What’s
sauce for the goose should be
sauce for the gander. It’s time to
fi nally put these shameful offences
up before the beak so that justice
can not only be done, but can be
seen to be done.
We’ve asked impartial man-
of-the-people RICHARD
LITTLEJOHNto pick up his
gavel and don his judge’s robe
and wig to belatedly re-try these
sordid cases, before doling
out imaginary punishments
to a shamefaced parade of
shameless junkie politicians of
shame who have admitted their
guilt to a shocking roll call of
shameful drug offences.
Justforfun~ POLITI
EXCLUSIVE!
with Celebrity Judge
His Honour
Mr Justice
Richard
Littlejohn
“MR GOVE,many people would
say that as a Home Secretary
who called for the immediate
sacking of teachers found guilty
of even minor drug offences,
your own history of repeated
cocaine abuse is evidence of –
at the very least – disgustingly
rank hypocrisy. However, in my
opinion, a few lapses in your
youth and early middle age
should not damn you forever.
I believe that your unfortunate
history as an innocent victim of
your own cocaine addiction has
given you a rare and valuable
insight into the difficult problem
of narcotics abuse, allowing you
to draw up a raft of draconian
measures to prevent others from
following you down the same
path of suffering.Yo ur decision
to speak out when threatened
with a tawdry tabloid newspaper
expose of your chequered,
drug-addled past shows an
impressive strength of character
that is far too lacking in many
of today’s ‘squeaky clean’
politicians.”
“ R V l v th
Defendant: Michael Gove
Party:Conservatives
Admitted Offence:Repeated
cocaineabuse whilstworking as
a journalist twentyyearsago.
Defendant:BorisJohnson
Party:Conservatives
Admitted Offence:Snorting
cocaine whilst a student at
Oxford University
Defendant:Rory Stewart
Party:Conservatives
Admitted Offence:Smoked
opium whilst on a walking
tour of Iranfi fteenyearsago.
“MR STEWART,ordinarily, I
would take a very dim view of a
sordid offence such as the one
you have admitted. However,
on this occasion, I think you
should d d for your
refresh
to this
com
much
than
poor
ways, your ‘When
in Rome’ attitude displays
a refreshing and admirable
willingness to experience
other cultures that should be
applauded.”
my
JUDGE
LITTLEJOHN’s
SUMMING UP
JUDGE
LITTLEJOHN’s
SENTENCE
“THE IMAGEof a bow-tied
Old Etonian toff embarking on
a Bullingdon Club rampage of
vandalism through the dreaming-
spired quads of Oxford University
whilst ripped to the man-tits on
California Cornflakes is not one
that necessarily sits well with
Britain’s hard-working lower
classes. Indeed, some might
even maintain that your admitted
history of Class-A drug abuse
should even preclude you from
ever holding any position of power
o
re
to
marching
powder did nothing for you, is one
that almost certainly will have put
many less expensively-educated
people off trying the drug
themselves.Yo u tried it so they
didn’t have to, and that is greatly
to your credit.”
“MR JOHNSON,were it within
my powers to award you a
medal for your part in the
war against drugs, I would
do so. Sadly, however, that is
not within m ift ut ou
HIGH COURT OF
W
E were all SHOCKED by the recent round of
drug confessions from a shameful roll-call of
Prime Ministerial candidates. But whilst ordinary
members of the public routinely fi nd themselves heavily
fi ned or even thrown behind bars for similar offences, a
disgraceful gaggle of Number 10 hopefuls seemed to get
offscot-freeaftertheirpastnarcoticsecretswereexposed.
JUDGE
LITTLEJOHN’s
SUMMING UP
JUDGE
LITTLEJOHN’s
SENTENCE
JUDGE
LITTLEJOHN’s
SUMMING UP
JUDGE
LITTLEJOHN’s
SENTENCE