50QUIDCRAPTICCROSSWORD No. 288
Set by Anus
NAME.......................................................................................
ADDRESS.................................................................................
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................................................POSTCODE..............................4 Infection in a twat lingers,
unfortunately (7,5)
5 See 8Across
6 Grand name in sweaty bol-
locks (8)
7 Ship - feel her getting
eroded (7)
11 Greatest wino, drunk, in
the shitter afterRuby Mur-
ray? (5,7)
14 Jizzmop nearby with
yellowish-brown trim (6,4)
16 Bird admitted to prob-
lems, as bones between
bosoms (8)£50 Winner: J Bielawski,Liverpool.
Runners up:Paul Read,Cardiff;
David Pickles,Warrington
Fleur Hemmings,Albrighton;
MJ Gilmour,Edinburgh;
KateKenworthy,Leeds.Send your entry to:
Craptic Crossword 288, Viz Comic,
PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ
The first correct entry out of the hat on MONDAY 19thAUGUST will wina
ROGER’S PROFANISAURUS CROSSWORD WINNER’S TRAV-
EL MUGwith aVIZ CHEAP PENand aCHEQUEfor£50.00
inside. The next 5 entries win the mug and pen. And anyone who sends
a LARGE LETTER STAMP to the crossword address can have a o.
Don’t say we never give you anythin e
a LARGE LETTER STAMP iAcross
8/5Sick swallowed by pris-
oner, perfect huge feeshus
left in bog (6,4)
9 Liaison officer to admire,
getting wankered (8)
10 Arseholes or turds (5)
11 Heather, on the game,
parting her lips slightly and
blowing? (9)
12 Wimp beginning to dick
little boys, at first (5)
13 Slang, possibly, for ‘dick-
head’ (5)
15/20Yo u and I feel it’s a fart
not to be trusted (3,3)
16 Jism produced by sailors,
we hear? (5)
17 Organ in willy emptied,
shagged out (5)
20 See 15
21 Tr ail of crap touching
opening of sphincter (5)
22 Knight has anal inter-
course initially - where
there’s a lot of sheikh-ing
going on? (5)
24 Strapped pair shit ona
Welshman (9)
26 Like 16 across, it’s said, all
over the fucking place (2,3)
27 Where unwashed,
cramped, pissed off holi-
daymakers pretend to enjoy
staying has affected view,
did you say? (8)
28 Lower mammaries ob-
served in Huddersfield (6)
Down
1 Affair where English mic-
turate endlessly on Dame
Edith, for starters (7)
2/3Same supercool, big, wob-
bly milky swingers (6,10)ISSUE 287 SOLUTION
ANISAURUS ROGER’S PROFANISAURUS ROGER’S PROFANISAURUS ROGER
18 Behaviour of cunts pri-
marily on the tube (7)
19/25Catching flies, good
patient achieving fourbut-
tock vision (7,4)
23 Those providing transport
around capital in Hobart
getting maps ofTa smania?
(6)
25 See 19
This space left blank to work
out your answers would have
been much larger had not this
notice taken up the majority of
the space.passcode gruesome adj. The
morningafteraheavynight
on the popwhenyoulookso
monstrousthatevenyourmo-
bilephone’sfacialrecognition
softwaredoesn’tknowwho
youareandyouhavetoresort
totappinginanumbertocall
theambulance.
Pavlov’s logs n. medic. The
conditionwherebytheinstant
youareanywherenearapar-
ticularsetting,suchaspulling
yourcarintoyourdriveway
afterwork,orarrivingat a
funeral,youinexplicably,and
urgently,needashit.
pedigree bum n. Whenyour
fartssmelllikedog shiteordog
food.Notthatthere’s agreat
dealofdifference.
pube ’n’ cigarn.Asmoothly
elongated,brownfloater, fin-
ishedoffwithanarsehairor
two.
pulled out of an Ecuadorian
embassy backwards, looks
like it’s been phr. Descrip-
tiveofahairy,unkemptfanny
thatisstrangelyreminiscent
ofhairy,unkempt Wikileaks
founderJulianAssangeashe
wasforciblyextractedfrom
his shite-smeareddiplomatic
hideaway.
royal carriage wave n. While
lyinginthebathand blow-
ing one’s tanks,theactionof
waftingtheresulttowardsthe
noseinordertocheckonthe
fragrance,inastylesomewhat
reminiscentofhermajesty
theQueen’shandmovements
whengreetingthegreatun-
washedfromherhermetically
sealedcoachatBalmoral.
Rubik’s cubes1. n.Afarmore
commonsightinthe1980s.- n.rhym. slang.Afarmore
commonsightinthe1980s.
scrawnographyn.Thetypeof
FrankieVa ughaneschewedby
devotees of fuller figured la-
dies.‘That website you told me
about was shite. Them birds on
it didn’t have a decent pair of
tits between them.You knowI
don’t like scrawnography, your
holiness.’
shit chipsn.Theresultofpush-
inga turd throughthedrain
withyourtoeswhilstinthe
shower.
shite-offn.Anyevent,orindeed
entireday,thatiscompletelyru-
inedbyamiscalculatedanden-
tirely-liquidtrouser cough.And
itcertainlywouldbe.
shoehorn1. n.Deviceforgently
easingafootintoapieceofill-
fitting footwear.2. n.Aparticu-
larlyrigidbonerachievedbya
footfetishistinashoeshop.
smugglers’ haven 1. n. Club
18-30campsitesituatednear
Newquay.2. n.Thearsehole.
‘I can’t wait to get some smug-
glers’ haven at Smugglers Ha-
ven, Dave.’
soilonoid valven.Thepressure-
controlledmechanismwhich
activatesthebrown light.
spamnesia n. medic. Condi-
tionthatmakesoneforgetful
abouthowmany wanks one
mayhavehad.‘The missus has
been away and I’m suffering
from chronic spamnesia.’
spermal underwearn.Y-fronts
thatarewetaswellas(mo-
mentarily)warm,theresult
ofpopping one’s corkprema-
turely.
strip advisorn.Namegivento
theurbanechapinthepubwho
knowsthelocationsofevery
lap-dancingbarandknocking
shopinthelocalarea.
suckingonapiss-flavoured
gobstopper, face like she’s
sim.Descriptiveofaparticu-
larlysour-looking,hatchet-
facedharridanwhocanmake
milksourfromamileaway,
eg. Pantomimetroutand
BrexitPartypoliticianAnn
Wid(therestofthisnamehas
beenobscuredonlegaladvice)
decombeMEP.
swallows his toothpasteeuph.
Saidofsomebodywhoistight-
er than a penguin’s ballbag.
thank God, here’s the cavalry!
exclam.Saidofanarse trum-
petthatstartsoffquietlybut
getslouderasitapproachesits
final destination.
thrown off Love Island, get
oneself v. euph. To have a
wank. ‘Are you coming out
for a drink after work?’ ‘Nah,
I think I’ll go home and get
myself thrown off Love Island.
Twice.’
titty bar bill, big as asim.De-
scriptiveofsomethingun-
expectedlylarge.‘After be-
ing showered by milkshake
yet again whilst walking
through Newcastle city cen-
tre, Nigel Farage claims that
the dry cleaning costs for his
suits this month will be as big
as a titty bar bill.’
water taxi n. A particularly
buoyantturd.
well done peloton, you
smashed it!exclam. Jocular,
self-congratulatoryphrase
enunciatedfollowingareally
bigshit.
wet patternn.Anoticablecycle
of randiness asobservedin
membersofthefairers*x.
Wonkasn.Yourballs.“Thebit
betweenWillyandthechoco-
latefactory.”
would you like aVAT re ceipt
as well? exclam. interrog.
Light-heartedrhetoricalstate-
mentprofferedafteraudibly
breaking wind.Seealso,well
struck, sir; you won’t be able to
get that after Brexit, etc.ST ISSUE’S
Thanks to this issue’s contributors who are:D Smith, D Dew, B Martin, D Carnan, jcn35080, S Legg, J Jones, K Maguire, GE Leek, D Sands, D Whiston, D Carnan, Mark, D Edwards, I Bethune, G Paton, K Baxter, D Bray, Jumpin Jez, G Stewart-Lockhart, I
Devenney, NLyon, J Davies, J Newton, G & V Carpenter, I Hammond, B Parker, R Nash, B Melican, M Pugh,Woof theWolf, T Langford, D Quick, B Rigsby, N Shand, J Newton, B Pitt, S Brookes, C Loveman, RWilson, J Barton, D Whiston, A Bennett, Col.
Percy Fawcett, L Robson-Smith, HF Hadley, G Paton, M Pugh, R Andrews, D Glentworth, Jamie H, C Lee, Daniel B,Woz, A Warren, N Maloney, M Sofianos, Soapy Norris, D McAteer, G Slade, S Maple and T Briffa.HAVE A NICE
CUPPA ANYWHERE
WITH THEFANTASTIC VIZ
CROSSWORD WINNER’S
TRAVEL MUG!