Woman’s Weekly New Zealand – July 29, 2019

New Zealand Woman’s Weekly 57

I

’m on holiday as I write this, in

a “party of 10” – my husband

and me, and our three “kids”

(aged 23, 20 and 16), one of

the kid’s friends, and four gay

women. We’ve known one of

the couples for 30 years, as I was

flatmates with one of the gals.

The other couple we met two

years ago through them. There’s

been much talking, laughing,

eating and drinking together

at the Italian villa. There are also

a lot of huge discussions about

the big issues on the planet,

in society, in relationships...

Everyone from 16 to 65 has an

opinion, some of which match

up, some do not. All in all, the

dinner table houses robust

discussions every night where

we all learn something new,

and we all laugh. Lots of laughs

and lots of memories made.

Dear Jude,

I’m just thinking out loud here,

but is 70 perhaps too old to

divorce? This is what I keep

considering each night, mostly

between 2am and 5am.

I do care very much for

my husband, but in the last

few years it has become

increasingly obvious we’re

no longer a great match.

We’ve been married for

more than 40 years and in fact

our 50th anniversary is only

two years away. Everything he

does infuriates me greatly, and

vice-versa. I do drive him quite

mad – the fact I like to sleep

in, eat toast in my pyjamas

and eat everything much too

loud, apparently.

We often go our separate

ways and we have very few

hobbies or friends in common.

My friends say that every

marriage goes through its lulls,

but this has been years. I’d

rather thought I’d just ride it

out now, but my sister said

something alarming – what

if you live past 90? That’s

another 20 years in a not

particularly happy marriage.

I don’t know what it would

look like financially. Have we

left this too late to discover

we’re not right for each other?

You’re never too old to divorce

is my short answer here.

Longer answer, however...

Calling it a day deserves quite

some consideration after almost

50 years of shared history. You

say you’re no longer a great

match, but you also say you

care for him very much, so hang

onto that nugget.

The only yardstick I have is

that I’ve been with my bloke

for almost 30 years and he too

does stuff that infuriates me,

and I know I’m very good about

returning the favour. However,

annoying habits aside, I’m good

with the prospect of another 20

years. In fact, I look forward to

finding out what life with him

holds as it changes, whereas

for you the thought of another

couple of decades entwined

makes you instinctively feel like

running a mile.

Perhaps that ah-ha moment

can prompt a discussion with

your husband. The aim is not

just to let him know how you

feel, but to explore whether

you both want to make changes,

so that the rest of your lives

together are enjoyable, rather

than simply tolerable.

The changes might be very

simple. It’s easy to become

negative with someone you

know well and take for granted.

Finding a positive thing you like

about them and focusing on

that can put a different feel on

day-to-day communication.

Choosing language carefully

is also helpful – is this going

to be relationship-building or

relationship-destroying?

I was reading an article on

The Gottman Institute website

the other day about the value

of rephrasing language. Google

the site and I’m sure you’ll find

some information you can relate

to and share with your husband.

Perhaps he feels it’s all a bit

ho-hum too and he’d like a

more enjoyable life with you?

If he’s bah-humbug about

doing some self-reflection as a

couple, the next step may be to

float the prospect of a counsellor.

However, I suspect an honest

discussion, including some

ideas to try, will go a long way

towards making things better.

PARTY OF 10:

GETTING A

TASTER OF

THE SWEET

LIFE IN ITALY

La dolce vita

Taking quality

time with husband

Graeme and their kids

(from left) Jack, Ella

and Rosie in Florence.

Jude Dobson

ADVICE

Time to call time?

We all need time out

to reconnect with

our loved ones, away

from the demands of

everyday life. But what

happens when you

suspect your everyday

relationship is beyond repair?

heyJUDE...

Do you have a problem

you’d like Jude to weigh in on?

Send your questions to nzww@

bauermedia.co.nz with ‘Hey Jude’

in the subject line, or to Hey

Jude, NZWW, Bauer Media,

Private Bag 92512, Wellesley

Street, Auckland

1141.

ASK JUDE!

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