Drum – 01 August 2019

20 | 1 AUGUST 2019 http://www.drum.co.za

‘Lessisoftenmore

unlessonehasa good

relationship’

WHATNOTTOSAY

The people canvassedfortheWebMDsurveyrevealedthefollowingcomments

tobethemostunhelpful.

“It could beworse”– 46%saidthiscomment

actuallycompoundedtheirgriefbecauseit

cameacrossasbeingdismissive.

Talking in detailaboutyourownexperience

with loss – 47%saidit wasineffective.

Recommendingthatthemournermoveon

orseekclosure– 42%foundthisannoyingand

insensitive.

Offering unsolicited advice – 33% saidit

made them feel worse.

NEWS

one, or you’resendingit onlineina space
where peoplearewatching,peoplewill
always judge.Sobetruetoyourownval-
ues,” he adds.
Generallyit’sbesttoavoidtiredold
platitudes.Ratheraimtobesincere.
A post saying,“I’msosorry.Fromthe
other postsyou’vesharedabouther,she
sounded likesuchanincrediblewoman.
Thinking ofyouduringthissadtime.”
If you actuallyknewyourfriend’s
grandmothermaybeyoucouldsharea
favourite memory.Thiswillbea great
comfort, saysetiquetteexpertAnnaPost
of the EmilyPostInstitute,becauseyou’ll
be helpingtokeephermemoryalive.
But avoiddiscussingdetailsofher
death or sayingthingssuchas,“It’sa re-
lief she isn’tsufferinganymore.”
That’s foryourbereavedfriendtosay

• but onlywhenshefeelsready.

TO A COLLEAGUE
Words suchas“I’msorryforyourloss,”
can sound so hollow but this phrase is an
effective way of acknowledging the trau-
matic event without getting too emo-
tional.
Van der Heyden says you should avoid
laying on the sympathy too thick – the

lastthingyouwanttodoisreduceyour

poorcolleaguetotearswhenshe’strying

sohardtokeepthingstogetheratwork.

“Lessisoftenmoreunlessonehasa

goodrelationship,thenmoresharing

maybesuitable,”hesays.

Afterthefuneralofa lovedonemourn-

ersoftenfindthemselvesalone– where

oncetheyweredelugedwithoffersof

help,nowthey’reexpectedtopickthem-

selvesupandcarryon.

Andit’sexactlyatthistime,astheyre-

turntotheirdailylife,whentheymayfeel

attheirmostvulnerable.Thisiswhere

otherpeoplebeyondtheirclosefriend-

shipcirclecanoffervaluablesupport.

Makeit clearyou’reavailableshouldthe

personneedanyhelp,whetherit’swith

theirworkloadorjusthavingsomeoneto

talktoabouthowthey’refeeling,saysSan-

draJackson,a socialworkerwithcounsel-

lingorganisationFamilyandMarriageSo-

cietyofSouthAfrica(Famsa).

“Thiscanbeextremelyhelpfulfor

someonewho’sgrievingandfeeling

alone once the formalities of laying

their loved one to rest is over,” she

adds.

“Although they may rather seek

emotional comfort outside, knowing

there’s a support system at work will

make them feel that their grief is ac-

knowledged.”

SPEAKING TO A FRIEND

Mkone advises calling your friend, ex-

pressing sympathies and asking how

they would like you to help.

Sometimes people are too proud to ask

for help, or are so overwhelmed they may

not even know what it is that they want.

In this instance, offering to look after

their children to give them space to

grieve may be well received, or volun-

teering to help with flowers or eats for

the memorial service.

However, Jackson adds that often the

bestthingyoucandoisbeingwillingto

sitwiththemintheirgriefandlendan

earwithoutfeelingtheneedtorushin

withwordsofadvice.

“Whilemanyofusworryaboutwhat

tosaytoa grievingpersonit’sactually

moreimportanttolisten– andbepres-

entwhiledoingso,”shesays.

Don’tshyawayfromtalkingabout

thedeceased,Mkonesays,butavoidim-

posingyourviewsandbeliefsabout

death.

A DISTANTFAMILYRELATIVE

Manyoftherulesmentionedabove

applyinthisinstancetoo.Trytokeepit

real.

Jacksonrecommendsacknowledging

thesituationandexpressingconcernby

sayingsomethingsuchas,“I’msorryto

hearthishappenedtoyou.”

“Offertohelpwithspecifictaskssuch

asthefuneralarrangements,foodshop-

ping,transportingchildrentoandfrom

school,”shesays.

EXTRA SOURCES: WEBMD.COM, DAILYMAIL.CO.UK, RD.COM

(From page 18)

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