60 FAMILY TREE MAGAZINE SEPTEMBER 2019
L
isa Cole is a nurse and genealogist in
Uniontown, Penn., who discovered a
half-sister through DNA. Her biological
father had a girlfriend, and the relation-
ship produced a daughter they gave up for adop-
tion. Cole found that daughter, but the daughter
didn’t want to pursue a relationship.
The story unfolded over the course of two
weeks. “I thought I was handling it fi ne,” Cole
said. “All of a sudden one day, I broke down. My
husband said, ‘A little more than you thought,
isn’t it?’”
Cole now administers the DNA Surprises
Support Group, a closed Facebook group with
around 1,500 members. The forum collects sto-
ries that range from exciting to heartbreaking.
One frequently discussed scenario is some-
one discovering their “dad” isn’t their biologi-
cal father. “It pulls the rug out from under them
because that’s how they identify themselves,”
Cole said. “There’s [also] a lot of animosity
toward their moms: ‘How come she didn’t tell
me?’ Some people haven’t told another soul in
their family, and some are scared about their
relatives fi nding out. Just hearing that other
people may be going through similar things can
mean so much.”
According to Cole, group members help
each other through diff erent stages of the pro-
cess. She said people struggle when discover-
ies are still fresh, but members fi nd solace in
reading other people’s experiences, tips and
feelings. She’s noticed that some who were
struggling several months before now comfort
newer members. “They realize they may needto give it time, [but] that it’ll get better,” she
said. “Even if you don’t get the happy ending
you want.”
“They learn not to discount the family they
grew up with. They’re still your family,” Cole
said. “And now I can see that some who were
struggling several months ago are comforting
the new ones who are coming in.”
The group often instinctively knows what not
to say, since many have experienced the sense of
dislocation that can come with a DNA surprise.
If you’re helping someone process unexpected
DNA results, don’t minimize their experiences.
According to Cole, these revelations are always
a big deal, even if they don’t have a big impact
on their lives. After, all, these discoveries often
aff ect deeply held identities.
“They need to hear truth, not placating,” Cole
said. “Let them cry for fi ve hours or talk about
their memories, if they want to. They need to let
it out.”
Whether a family history surprise came via
documents or DNA, Cole suggested bringing
your proof to share. She also suggested deliv-
ering the information in the appropriate time
and place—for both you and the aff ected person.
According to Cole, you shouldn’t approach the
relative if you yourself are angry or hurt. And
when you’re ready, Cole suggested doing it in
a neutral location, preferably alone. “You don’t
want them to feel like they’re being attacked or
bombarded or exposed,” she said. Contributing Editor Sunny Jane Morton researches her
ancestors—both good and bad—from her home in Ohio.Handling Genetic Revelations