The Week India – July 14, 2019

JULY 14, 2019 • THE WEEK 65

his wife when she got tenure in Columbia

University. “My mother had been through

so much,” she says. “She was really shamed

when she was in India and was in an abu-

sive marriage that was not her fault. So, she

came to the US to start a new life. She had

been keeping this traumatic incident from

me and [trying to] reinvent herself.”

Her mother opened up about her fi rst

marriage to Bhagwati one day “over coff ee”.

Bhagwati was shocked. She also talks about

an incident when her mother went to the

room of a colleague, who unzipped himself

in front of her. She ran out screaming. When

her mother complained to the head, she

was told that that was the way things were.

“It was a classic Harvey Weinstein story,”

says Bhagwati.

Years later, Bhagwati encountered similar

systemic sexism in the Marines. It was her

mother’s experience that helped her fi nd

the courage to support others. “I was in

command of 400 troops at one time. It was a

lot of responsibility,” she says. “When there

was someone who was sexually harassing

the women in my unit, it was my moment of

reckoning. My mother gave me the courage

to stick up for myself and these women.”

Th e offi cer was promoted instead and put

in charge of the women that he was harass-

ing. All the women in the unit, including

Bhagwati, left. “Th e military is such an over-

whelmingly sexist place,” she says. “Th ere

is no room to breathe, sometimes, as a

woman. I was just surviving from day to day.

It is sweeping, and built into every aspect of

your training. It was not till a few years later

that I started connecting the dots between

my mother’s experiences and my own.”

In the military, Bhagwati writes movingly

about being brown, a woman and trying to

fi ght for equality. “I served during a time

when it was criminal to come out of the

closet,” she says. “Th ere was a policy of

‘don’t ask don’t tell’, which forbid you to be

gay, bisexual and transgender. I had a little

bit of privilege because I was an offi cer. But

I would look at what was happening in the

unit. I knew marines who were deeply in

the closet. I just did not talk about it with

anyone in uniform.”

Now an activist, Bhagwati fi ghts with

“rabble rousers” for equality. Th ere is a

backlash but there is also hope. Th ere is

yoga, vipassana and swimming. Th ere is

healing and forgiveness. Her parents have

read about her pain and her courage. “My

father read the book in one night,” she

says. “Cover to cover. I asked him what he

thought. He said, ‘I am so proud of you.’

He said it was hard. He cried while reading

many portions. Because it hit him hard. Th e

parts where I was suff ering. I am guessing

it was about not being able to protect your

child. I told him that I am okay now. If I

was not okay, I would not have been able to

write this book.”

She gets emails every day about how

her story helped girls and women feel not

alone. She helps many more girls fi nd their

voice through her work with the Service

Women’s Action Network (SWAN). She has

also helped the other side to understand.

“For me, the most interesting part has been

watching my dad evolve over the last three

months,” she says. “I think he has a deeper

appreciation of what I went through and

what my mother went through. I did not ex-

pect this. But part of it is that men and boys

also read the book. Th ey also have a deeper

understanding of what women and girls go

through. I think my dad is part of this.”

BIRDS OF A

FEATHER

Bhagwati with
parents in 2001

Unbecoming: A Memoir of

Disobedience

Author: Anuradha Bhagwati

Publisher: Simon and Schuster

Pages: 321

Price: 0699