- The Guardian
4 Tuesday 30 July 2019
Kate Minchin, 44, a writer,
and Sue Stark, 58, who
works for a solar energy
company, live in New
York. They met on an all-
women motorcycle trip
‘W
e got to the front of
the pack and sped
off ,” says Kate. She
and Sue had reached
the highest point on
one of the highest
motorable roads in the world, in the Ladakh
region of northern India, and were alone for
the fi rst time. “It’s a tough bike ride to do – it’s
not just a gravel path, they are like boulders,”
says Kate. “So the adrenaline was fl owing, but
I was also chuff ed because I was on my own
with Sue. I was like a teenager.”
They had met at a hotel in Delhi 10 days
earlier, in July 2015, where nine of them had
gathered for an all-women motorcycle trip.
Neither made much of an impression on each
other – they just got on with the trip, riding all
day and meeting at hotels and camps in the
evening. It was in Leh, northern India, where
they had stopped for a couple of days before the
fi nal, highest leg of the journey, that Sue and
Kate got talking. “We had more time to hang
out, have a beer, get to know each other,” says
Kate. “That was the point at which I started
to think : ‘Oh bugger, I think I fancy her.’” She
laughs. “ Sue was adventurous, keen on biking,
gorgeous. Also, she can be a bit of a tough
cookie, initially, and I like a bit of a challenge.
I found that mysterious and appealing. When
we started chatting, she was great fun.”
Sue hadn’t thought of Kate in that way ,
except to mention to a single friend on the trip
that Kate was also single and attractive. “She is
adventurous, travel-loving, smart, and she has
that wonderful British wit,” says Sue, who is
from the US. “And I thought she was cute.”
Although it was romantic on that road
alone – they slid down snowbanks and threwsnowballs at each other – Kate didn’t make a
move. “I knew Sue was single, but she hadn’t
given any indicators that she was looking for
anyone, or interested in me. We had started
to get on really well, but I assumed that those
feelings were one-sided – and if they weren’t
going to be reciprocated, I didn’t want to risk
spoiling the trip.”
A few days later, everyone was hugging
goodbye at the hotel in Delhi. Kate says :
“I stood next to her thinking : ‘That can’t be
the last hug – I need to do that again.’”
Sue continues : “I was about to walk out
the door and she comes back over and gives
me what I call the electric hug. I felt the hair
stand up on my head. It was such an intimate
moment that I looked around thinking : ‘Did
anyone see that?’ I spent the entire trip back to
the airport thinking: ‘ Oh my God, I think I’m
attracted to Kate and I left her in India.’”
Sue headed back to the US and Kate came
home to the UK. They messaged each other for
a couple of weeks, then started video calling ;
soon they were talking for several hours a day.
In December 2015, Kate fl ew out to the US.
“We’d already decided that we were going to
give it a go at being a couple,” says Sue. When
she picked up Kate at the airport, the feeling
“was instant”, she says. Kate adds : “From that
point on, it was perfect.”
They had agreed that airport arrivals was
not a suitably memorable place for their fi rst
kiss. “So we walked out to my car hand in
hand,” Sue remembers. “ And then I couldn’t
wait any longer.”
Kate stayed for nine days, then they began
a two-year long-distance relationship, meeting
up every eight weeks. When Kate left her
job, she spent a couple of months in the US,
where they got engaged, then applied for a
visa. “We needed to be together or starting
the process of getting together, because it
was just too hard , ” says Sue.
Last year, they were married by one of
the women on their motorcycle trip; another
friend from the trip was maid of honour, as
was Sue’s adult daughter. They are planning
lots more motorcycle adventures.
Emine Saner
Want to share your story? Email
[email protected]How we met ‘She gave me what
I call the electric hug. I felt the
hair stand up on my head’
Love and sex
‘He thought I
W
hen their
children were
young, Karen
and David took
them to a noisy
restaurant.
Their two-year-old daughter was
being loud and excitable, as toddlers
tend to be, and David suddenly got
up and walked out. There were many
incidents like that during their fi rst
12 years of marriage, which would
often leave David feeling frustrated,
and Karen sad, lonely and confused.
Then, when their son was
diagnosed with autism spectrum
disorder (ASD) – the term now
widely used for all autism diagnoses,
including Asperger syndrome – it
became clear that David had the
condition, too. Eventually, he had
a formal diagnosis. Their marriage
is much happier. “I am now much
better equipped to understand
why I may fi nd neurotypical
relationships so confusing,”
says David, “and it has been the
foundation of improving my
relationship with Karen.”
Karen says she often used to feel
exasperated by David’s mood swings
and what she saw as his tendency
to blow small problems out of
proportion. “I couldn’t understand
it because he was the most loving,
generous person much of the time.”
Thanks to the diagnosis, “after
12 years of not understanding
each other, I started to see that he
couldn’t help his behaviour. He
wasn’t a bad person.”
It is by no means a certainty that
a relationship between someone
with ASD and someone without willbe diffi cult – every person with ASD
is diff erent, as is every relationship.
But a diagnosis can come as a relief
for both partners.
Before he was diagnosed last year
at the age of 30, Robert (not his real
name) says his wife referred to him
“as having ‘quirks’ – such as wearing
earplugs all the time or needing to
sit next to walls, or with my back to
them. I have since become aware
that she makes an eff ort to help me
with these things such as fi nding
suitable tables in coff ee shops or
making sure I can sit at the back of
a bus so nobody can sit behind me.”
The diagnosis has made sense
of a lot of his life, he says. “I fi nd it
very hard to maintain relationships
with other people. I have no social
circle, although I do fi nd that social
media helps me interact with
people I would normally struggle
with. I felt immensely guilty that
I didn’t have those relationships –
and more guilty for not really being
bothered that I didn’t have them.
Receiving a diagnosis has taught me
that it’s OK.”When one person
in a relationship
learns they
are autistic, it
can explain
years of shared
frustration. But
the knowledge
can make the
bond stronger.
By Emine Saner
Laura James ...
‘If I fancied
someone,
I’d tell them’‘He was the most
loving, generous
person most of
the time ...’
Karen and David
on their wedding dayРЕЛИЗ ПОДГОТОВИЛА ГРУППА "What's News" VK.COM/WSNWS