LAUGH
Unlucky
In Life
Twitter users share examples of
how they knew they hadn’t been
gifted with the luck gene...@SaneMomOfMany: “I
thought I had won the
lottery after I hit all five
powerball numbers... then
I realised I was looking at a
ticket from the week before.”@AnjlFan: “As a child, I fell
over while going through a
haunted house ride. I twisted
my ankle and fell down
crying, but everybody
thought I was an actor and
just stepped over me.”@Bear_Noey: “Out of habit
from texting my wife, I
ended a text to my boss
with, ‘I love you.’ He replied,
‘I love you too.’ ”@ColbyBaroned: “I left a
drunken voicemail for my ex
asking her to come over. She
never showed up. Turned out
I had sent it to my mum. She
did show up.”A FRIEND OF MINE WAS TURNING A profit
by stealing the water off the tops of the grass
in a field. The farmer said that if he gave it
back, he wouldn’t say anything.
I told him, “That’s fair enough. You’ve got
to give him his dew.”
IAN MCNAUGHTON, South GlamorganMY DOCTOR HAS PRESCRIBED ME SOME
anti-gloating cream.
I can’t wait to rub it in. SEEN ONLINEA MAN JOINS A MONASTERY AND TAKES
his vow of silence. He is permitted to speak just
once every seven years.
After the first seven, the elders ask him for
two words. “Hard bed,” he says. They simply
nod and send him away.
Another seven years pass and they ask him
in again. This time he says, “Bad food.” They
nod once more, and send him away.
Once seven more years have passed, the
man clears his throat and declares, “I quit.”
“That’s not surprising,” the elders reply.
“You’ve done nothing but complain since you
got here. SUBMITTED VIA EMAILI PAID A VISIT TO MY ALLOTMENT LAST
week and discovered that there was twice as
much soil there as the week before.
The plot thickens. SEEN ON REDDITCROSSWORD ANSWERS
Across: 9 Close-up, 10 Optical, 11 Audio, 12 Eucharist, 13 Cocker spaniel, 20 Knee, 21 Rated, 22
Aunt, 23 Contemplation, 32 Physician, 33 Price, 34 Average, 35 Elf-like.
Down: 1 Scrap, 2 Voodoo, 3 Rework, 4 Appear, 5 Toecap, 6 Strain, 7 Active, 8 Blitz, 13 Cynic, 14
Clean, 15 Eerie, 16 Set-up, 17 Ardua, 18 Iraqi, 19 Lenin, 24 Oxygen, 25 Tribal, 26 Mailed, 27
Longer, 28 Tip-off, 29 Origin, 30 Spray, 31 Tepee.
142 • JULY 2019