THENEWYORKER,AUGUST 5 &12, 2019 27
SHOUTS & MURMURS
LUCI GUTIÉRREZ
S
up, bros?! I’ve got some news for
you: self-care isn’t just for women
anymore. It’s for firemen, X Games
medallists, and Civil War reënactors
just like you and me. And although
many doctors and other experts think
that men and women need the same
types of self-care products, those peo-
ple are stupid idiots. Here are some
brands we men can use to feel strong,
healthy, and masculine!
OUTSIDE BLOOD (MAKEUP)
This isn’t your average, dainty lady paint.
Men and women have completely dif-
ferent needs in the skin department.
While a woman’s skin is soft like a dying
flower and barely strong enough to keep
her insides in, a man’s skin is thick like
the door to a safe. We men need makeup
that covers our hungry-boy blemishes
and larger-than-average pores. There’s
a reason they call those sewer things
manhole covers—it’s because they’re
thick like a man and big enough to
cover a man’s holes (“pores”)! While
girl makeup is thin and runny, Outside
Blood is the consistency of the pink
sludge they use to make McDonald’s
McNuggets. Smear on Outside Blood
foundation with a special brush that’s
shaped like Babe Ruth’s mitt. We also
sell man eyeshadow, to make it look
like you recently got into a fight after
someone tried to kiss your woman or
your motorcycle.
MAN PEDI (NAIL CARE)
Mails (man nails) are the most impor-
tant part of a man’s body, since they pro-
tect his fingers, which are used to flip
the bird and whale on the electric gui-
tar. A woman’s nails are soft like wet la-
sagna noodles (owing to her estrogen),
but a man’s nails are so heavy that he
has to be careful, when swimming, that
he doesn’t sink to the bottom of the
pool. That’s why you need nail care spe-
cially designed for you. We file down
your precious tips using sandpaper from
a wood shop that was used to make the
long tables on “Game of Thrones.” Then
we paint them whatever color you want.
Red, like a cool bird you just shot? Crim-
son, like the blood of your ex-wife?
Black, like the charcoal in the grill that
your dad was using when he said he
loved you for the last time? Yeah, any
manly color like that!
THANOS STONES (VITAMINS)
Men and women also have different
needs when it comes to vitamins. Women
need a lot of iron, since they get periods
and lose so much blood. Men, on the
other hand, need iron because they lose
so much blood fighting and brawling.
These men’s-only vitamins are packed
full of the nutrients the male body craves:
A, B 12 , C, D. (Many men are deficient
in Vitamin D, because instead of spend-
ing time in the sun they’re spending time
in a tank or in a race car.)
SHARK PISS (WATER)
Although women can coast by on a
simple H 2 O formula, men need at least
twice the regular amount of oxygen,
since they’re constantly expelling air, or
“farts.” They also need more hydro-
gen—a man’s body metabolizes hydro-
gen like a hydrogen bomb, allowing a
man’s legs to explode into a jog or, in
the case of a funeral, a staid skip. We’ve
doubled the amount of oxygen in our
formula and quadrupled the amount of
hydrogen. Plus, Shark Piss is twice as
clear as normal water, so you can watch
your favorite episode of “Deadwood”
or a monster-truck rally through it.
Don’t stop doing what you man-love
just because you’re a thirsty boy!
T-HIM-APY (THERAPY)
You know how sometimes you think
about your dad or your son Carter and
feel like your chest is tight and like you
might cry? Those are just brain dook-
ies, or “feelings,” piling up in your chest-
testicle, or “heart.” You let enough brain
deuces pile up in your thoracic and
all of a sudden you’ve got Shark Piss
streaming from your eyes! Thimapy
pairs you with another burly man with
whom you can fight and wrestle—but
you use your words instead of your fists.
Punch your thimapist over and over
until your eyes are all Shark Pissed out!
MATRI-BRO-NY (MARRIAGE)
Sometimes you’ve got to let that spe-
cial someone else be the one to take
care of you. But, unlike women, you
don’t want just anyone. You want a part-
ner who respects you for who you are
and is attracted to your body but also
to your mind. Someone who is both
your lover and your best friend. That’s
why we’ve created marriage just for men.
Instead of marrying a woman like Tracey,
who won’t get you at all, here’s a way
for you to marry your real best friend:
a man! It’s just like marriage, except
with two men. Show your bros how
dedicated you are to the male life style:
marry a man and spend the rest of your
life with him.
SELF-CARE FOR MEN
BY MEGANAMRAM
