condition. They said it was a miracle he hadn’t died the moment his head hit
the ground.
I struggle to imagine the scene while they waited for the chopper. Dad said
that when the paramedics arrived, Shawn was sobbing, begging for Mother.
By the time he reached the hospital, his state of mind had shifted. He stood
naked on the gurney, eyes bulging, bloodshot, screaming that he would rip
out the eyes of the next bastard who came near him. Then he collapsed into
sobs and finally lost consciousness.
Shawn lived through the night.
In the morning I drove to Buck’s Peak. I couldn’t explain why I wasn’t
rushing to my brother’s bedside. I told Mother I had to work.
“He’s asking for you,” she said.
“You said he doesn’t recognize anyone.”
“He doesn’t,” she said. “But the nurse just asked me if he knows someone
named Tara. He said your name over and over this morning, when he was
asleep and when he was awake. I told them Tara is his sister, and now they’re
saying it would be good if you came. He might recognize you, and that would
be something. Yours is the only name he’s said since he got to the hospital.”
I was silent.
“I’ll pay for the gas,” Mother said. She thought I wouldn’t come because
of the thirty dollars it would cost in fuel. I was embarrassed that she thought
that, but then, if it wasn’t the money, I had no reason at all.
“I’m leaving now,” I said.
I remember strangely little of the hospital, or of how my brother looked. I
vaguely recall that his head was wrapped in gauze, and that when I asked
why, Mother said the doctors had performed a surgery, cutting into his skull
to relieve some pressure, or stop a bleed, or repair something—actually, I
can’t remember what she said. Shawn was tossing and turning like a child
with a fever. I sat with him for an hour. A few times his eyes opened, but if
he was conscious, he didn’t recognize me.
When I came the next day, he was awake. I walked into the room and he
blinked and looked at Mother, as if to check that she was seeing me, too.
“You came,” he said. “I didn’t think you would.” He took my hand and fell
asleep.
I stared at his face, at the bandages wrapped around his forehead and over
his ears, and was bled of my bitterness. Then I understood why I hadn’t come