82 Scientific American, March 2020 Illustration by Matt Collins
ANTI GRAVITY
THE ONGOING SEARCH FOR
FUNDAMENTAL FARCES
Steve Mirsky has been writing the Anti Gravity column since
a typical tectonic plate was about 36 inches from its current location.
He also hosts the Scientific American podcast Science Talk.Medical doctors can have the letters “MD” on their cars’ license
plates, which in some places can help them bend the rules re
garding parking and speeding in emergencies. But if you’re at all
like me—and for the sake of your loved ones, let’s hope you’re
not—you have one of three highly prejudicial and unfair reac
tions when you see a car with MD license plates. For a fancy
vehicle: Ooh, look at Mr. Big Shot driving a sixfigure car. For a
piece of junk: What kind of crummy doctor drives that piece of
junk? For any other auto: “Emergency” my butt; you’re probably
my dermatologist. (By the way, none of these opinions are in
effect if the doctor is rushing to care for me.)
A logical followup question to the physician licenseplate
issue then is, Does a dermatologist drive differently than a sur
geon? Finally, we have an actual scientific study to answer that
vital question ... vital signs question ... vital roadsigns ques
tion ... yeah, that’s it.
Anyway, the research, written up with the title “The Need for
Speed: Observational Study of Physician Driving Behaviors,” is
in the 2019 edition of the notorious Christmas issue of
the BMJ, formerly called the British Medical Journal,
even more formerly called the Provincial Medical and
Surgical Journal upon its founding in 1840—and per
haps informally once called Gathering Around to See
What Nigel Found While Digging Up Cadavers Weekly.
Back to the BMJ article. The objective of the study
was “to determine whether fast driving, luxury car own
ership, and leniency by police officers differ across med
ical specialties.” At this point, I must note that the re
search was based on records of speeding tickets issued to
almost 5,400 doctors who received some 15,000 tickets
between 2004 and 2017 in the state of Florida. So take
the location into account when considering these find
ings, because as I noted in the January issue while dis
cussing rodents that were taught to drive tiny cars for
science, “Video of the vehicular vermin can be found
online, and, frankly, I’ve seen worse driving in Florida
shopping center parking lots.”
The online article has a fun interactive feature that
allows one to look at which specialists drive the fastest on
average, get the most tickets for ex treme speed (more than
20 miles per hour over the speed limit) and drive the most
expensive cars, among other auto doc data. Given that you
are clearly not looking at that interactive feature at the
moment, I’ll summarize. But first: What’s an orthopod?
The online medical encyclopedia Gomerpedia defines “ortho
pod” thusly: “Often confused with an arthropod, an orthopod is
a vertebrate animal with an endoskeleton that cares deeply
about every [ sic ] else’s bones.” (“Gomer,” as is well known in the
medical community, is an acronym for “get out of my emergen
cy room,” as per the novel The House of God, by Samuel Shem,
published in 1978.) And orthopods, also called orthopedists, are
the fastest drivers. They are followed by psychiatrists. Paranoid
orthopods only think they’re being followed by psychiatrists.
When it comes to getting caught driving more than 20 miles
an hour over the limit, psychiatrists follow no one—they lead the
pack. Second place in that category goes to general surgeons,
who may reasonably be in a hurry to get to a patient in extremis.
The rushing psychiatrists may simply be trying to get ahead of
cardiologists, who have the priciest cars.
All of which reminds me: my father really did have a cardiol
ogist who drove a Maserati. And that cardiologist was a woman.
Which brings to mind another article in the same Christmas issue
of the BMJ, entitled “Time’s Up for He and Him as the Default
Pronouns for Doctors.” According to that piece, “most doctors are
or will be women—our language should reflect that reality.”
So please revise my catty earlier remark about doctors who
drive expensive cars so that it pertains to both Mr. and Ms. Big
Shot. Better yet, just call them all “Doctor.”JOIN THE CONVERSATION ONLINE
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or send a letter to the editor: [email protected]Physician,
Brake Thyself
Doctors’ driving differs by discipline
By Steve Mirsky
© 2020 Scientific American