160 Thrasher
ow did you become a user of
drugs and/or alcohol?
I started drinking in my early teens
like most do, just experimenting. Then from
there it was weed, acid and whatnot.
When did you realize you had a problem?
I look back now and can see I had issues long
before realizing that I had a problem. Like I
just thought it was normal to drink to blackout
every time I drank and to smoke weed all day
everyday and take whatever drug was passed
my way. But it was all new and there were no
real consequences I was facing, it was still fun.
I think it was in my early 20s that I started
to realize that things had progressed and I
was often paying the consequences of my
partying, like people/friends not wanting to be
around me when I started drinking, fighting,
waking up beat up, getting arrested, waking up
in jail not remembering even getting arrested,
DUI, a drunken car wreck, etc. Not being able
to stop and doing the same lame shit over and
over regardless of knowing the likely outcome.
Then the consistency of needing harder drugs
on the regular came into the picture. From
there the drugs progressed to full-time crack
addiction and just getting high on my own all
day, like just getting high for days on end, not
skating, not wanting to be around anyone that
wasn’t on the same program. So it’s not just
one day you’re, like, I have a problem.
I knew full well I had an addiction problem
long before thinking I gotta get clean.
How bad did it get? What was the
breaking point that made you decide it
was time to stop/get help?
It just became the daily life of getting high
or figuring out how I was going to score. I
stayed on that program for about four years.
And then you’ve got all the shit that goes on
in between. When your sitting in crack motels,
getting high, running around skid row with
people that have been doing that shit for 20
years you see a lot of sad shit. I remember
having a moment one time in one of these
places seeing what was going on around
me and couldn’t believe how shitty and far
down my life had become and these types
of scenes were regular occurrences over the
years. I was lucky to have a couple moments
of clarity ‘cause that grimy lifestyle becomes
an addiction in itself. But really, man, it just
became such a mental and emotional bottom
that was the nightmare for me. I was really
lucky that my bottom with drugs and alcohol
didn’t have the end results that usually come
with that life. I’ve had friends and a family
member lose their life over this shit. I watched
my father go in and out of prison most of my
life growing up, all due to drugs and alcohol.
So I’m really grateful that wasn’t my destiny.
‘Cause I was getting really close to all that
shit. I really believe something was watching
over me. Getting sober didn’t work for me like
that. There wasn’t a breaking point. Really,
I look at it more like at 26 I started to back
outta the woods of alcohol and drugs. I was
lucky that I didn’t lose all my sponsors. I still
had something to look forward to, and people
that believed in me and I was really tired of
the life I was living. And I fucking missed
skating. So I started going to a program to
get sober and started skating a lot again. But
there were relapses from 26-30 years old. I
just started getting stretches of time sober and
certainly when you stop for periods of time
and get back to life with periods of abstinence
from drugs and alcohol some things naturally
get better. So it was at 30 that I truly asked
for help. It was an emotional, spiritual bottom
along with being on a trip and a friend and
teammate tragically passing away. That’s when
I decided to finally take the advice of people
who were in some of the programs I was
attending here and there. ‘Cause I truly started
to discover that drug and alcohol use was just
a symptom of my problem. I was miserable,
just not drinking. I had deeper issues that I
finally needed to face and truly work on.
How did you get sober?
I went to a program that most alcoholics, if
they’re lucky, find themselves in. Reached
out to a few people who had been around for
a while and asked them what I need to do
to truly get sober. Then I got to work. I did
everything they told me, no matter what it
was. I showed up even when I didn’t want to.
I cleaned house the best I could with the tools
they gave me, ‘cause I had to actually see if it
would work. Before that point I had half-assed
gotten clean. And life, in my head, sucked
sober or drunk, so I did what they said and I
started to learn a lot about a new way of living
and thinking, and things gradually got better
and I’ve stayed sober since. I’ll have 11 years
clean in September this year.
What are the challenges of staying
sober?
I think the challenges are that it’s ongoing
maintainance. Just ‘cause I don’t drink doesn’t
means that it’s problem solved. I’ve been
through enough with this shit to know that
alcoholism is in me; it’s a way of thinking
and acting. If I don’t stay on it and continue
to maintain, I easily fall victim to depression,
ungratefulness, anger, anxiety—basically
any negative head job that’s out there. Then
I start to live my life from that baseline and
my perspective gets bad. I’ve dealt with many
periods like that in sobriety. If it goes on long
enough and you don’t reach out for help you’ll
probably have a drink and there’s no telling
where or when that ends. Or just end it. Sober
people take there own lives all the time. This
shit really ain’t no joke, but I’ve been fortunate
to get back to what has worked for 11 years
and I stay with it.
H
ANTHONY VAN ENGELEN