mirror.co.uk WEDNESDAY 24.07.2019 DAILY MIRROR^37
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DEAR COLEEN
Britain’s most straight-talking problem page
EMBARRASSED AT BEING A VIRGIN
Dear Coleen
I’m a 19-year-old lad and I’ve
never had sex. I’ve done
other stuff, but never gone
all the way.
I’m embarrassed because
I realise I’m quite old to be a
virgin – all of my mates have
had sex, most when they
were 15 or 16.
I’ve recently started
seeing someone and we’ve
kissed, but that’s it.
I know we’ll end up in bed
soon enough, but I’m
terrified of being found out
and being dumped.
Have you any advice?Coleen says
Oh, please stop worrying about
it. It’s not all about sex and how
many sexual partners you’ve
chalked up, even though it mightseem that way from the banter
between your mates.
Most girls will respect the fact
you’re not a player and are
someone who takes
relationships seriously.
Whatever your age, you can
terrify yourself with the build-upto sex. But torturing
yourself with all the stuff
that might or might not
happen is far scarier than
the event itself.
You’ve probably never
met a girl before who
you’ve liked enough to
have sex with so, if you
really like this girl, it’s
perfectly OK to be honest
and say: “I’ve not done
this before.”
And, if it puts her off
(and I’m sure it won’t),
she’s not the right girl for
you – so good riddance.
Part of the fun of sex is
getting to know each other
physically and what you each
like. You can build up to sex
gradually as you find out more
about each other and become
more comfortable together.
Just try to relax and have fun.DAUGHTER
WON’T LET
ME HELP HER
Dear Coleen
My daughter, who’s in her early
twenties, failed some important
professional exams recently and
she’s really suffering. I’ve never
seen her so down and tearful.
The experience has really rocked
her and affected her confidence and
self-esteem. She’s not used to
failing at anything, so I don’t think
she knows how to deal with it.
I don’t know how to help her
because she’s shutting me out.
Have you any ideas?Coleen says
If she’s a person who usually
succeeds at everything then it’s
going to affect her view of herself.
It’s a wake-up call that life doesn’t
always go the way you want it to –
it’s a tough lesson.
I think the important messages
to get across to her are that this
result doesn’t dictate her worth
and while she can’t change what’s
happened, she can come back from
it and be happy and successful.
Remind her of all her great
qualities and that you believe in
her. If this career isn’t the route
she’s meant to take in life, then
she’ll find another one.
Naturally, she is going to be
hugely disappointed and is
probably worried about where she
goes from here. Maybe she’ll
retake the exams (if she can).
If you really want something,
you don’t collapse at the first
hurdle. You have to pick yourself
up, learn from it and try again.
Alternatively, after a period of
reflection, she might realise this
particular career isn’t for her.
Tell her that failing exams
doesn’t mean she’s a failure. Some
of the most successful people in
the world have never sat an exam
in their lives.Parents emigrating to be
near my spoiled brother
Dear Coleen
My parents, who are both 70, have
decided to move to Spain to be near
my younger brother and his
family, who live there. My
brother’s wife is Spanish and
they relocated there when
their first son was born.
My problem is, I feel really
angry about it. I feel they’re
abandoning my family and me – I
have three children with my
husband – in favour of my brother
and his family.
It’s always been this way. Growing
up my brother always came first.
He’s six years younger than I am and
was a much-wanted second child.
They’ve always spoiled him and he’s
always got his own way.
I can think of numerous occa-
sions when my parents have dropped
everything to help him out, including
cancelling their holiday when he broke
up with a serious girlfriend a few years
ago. They even missed my daughter’s
birthday party because he was moving
house and needed their help.When my mum told me they were
moving, she even said, “We’re both
retired now, so there’s nothing keeping
us here.” Um, what about me and her
other grandchildren?
I felt so hurt by that, but she was
totally oblivious.
What do you think?Coleen says
OK, if your parents had decided to
retire to Spain and your brother didn’t
live there, would you feel as angry and
abandoned? Or would you be thinking,
‘Wow, good for them and we can have
some great holidays out there?’ Themessage you’re taking from this is
that they love your brother and his
family more than you and your kids
and I just don’t think that’s true.
People at your parents’ stage of
life often make a big change – move
abroad, downsize their home, go
travelling and so on. Why not relo-
cate somewhere you have family?
It’s clear you’re feeling abandoned
and envious, but try to look at what
they – and you – will gain instead
of making this all about you and the
sibling rivalry between you and
your brother.
Your parents are retired, so don’t
make this a difficult part of their
lives. You have your own children
and your own life and, if you really
did struggle with your parents
giving more attention to your
brother, then learn from it and make
sure you’re different with your own
children.
Why not talk to your mum about
how you feel with them being so far
away? Don’t make her feel bad about
moving away, but open a conversation- I’m certain she’ll be reassuring.
I was touched by the
letter from the grandma
who wrote in regarding
the male parent of her
grandchildren undergoing
gender reassignment (Dear
Coleen, July 2).
As someone who identifies
as transgender (male to
female), I think it’s wonderful
these children have such a
caring grandparent.
Hopefully, with support,
she’ll be able to help the
children come to terms with
the change and to understand
their father’s choice.
Thanks for the support you
give to the transgender
community as a whole.
JK, North LondonSign up now at mirrordating.co.uk
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she’ll give you an honest answer... every weekday in the Daily MirrorI feel they are
abandoning me
and my family