Daily Mirror - 03.03.2020

mirror.co.uk TUESDAY 03.03.2020 DAILY MIRROR^19

DM1ST

Warning: may contain sarcasm... and cats

POLLYOMETER

YEAH, WAY CHILLA-D OF THE WEEK

“I call myself a ‘bridechilla’ as opposed to a

‘bridezilla’. Orlando and I are united with our

approach. It’s not about the party, it’s about the

coming together of people who will hold us

accountable when things get really hard.”

Katy Perry

Going down...

Suited then booted

Ghosting is beyond 2019 – the

latest dating trend is

glamboozling, which is where

you get all dressed up for a

date that’s suddenly cancelled

at the last minute. Wonder if

people would start being more

respectful if there weren’t

such great names for their bad

behaviour?

Name: Aoife, Malachy & Nuala

aPPearaNce: Ginge/ginge/tortoiseshell

SPecial SKillS: These three siblings go everywhere

together, and are utterly devoted to each other. Between them,

they run a tight ship, and their people are obviously under no

illusions about who is in charge. This photo shows them on one

of their regular surveillance missions – one of their people has

dared to go away for a few days, and so they are on stake-out

until he comes back. Presumably punishment will follow. That

windowsill is so pleasingly symmetrical, it is almost too much.

If the feline in your life is good – or a hat-trick of good –

enough to be Cat Of The Week, send a photo and details to

[email protected]

BUT ENOUGH ABOUT

ME, WHAT DO YOU

THINK OF ME?

OF THE WEEK

“I could have my

millionth midlife crisis,

because it will be the

first time in 18 years

there are no half terms,

no school holidays, no

school runs or sewing

name tapes. And of

course I embrace it,

but it’s a real

milestone in

Mummy’s life.”

liz Hurley, on her

son finishing school

caTS Of ThE wEEk

POLLY HUDSON

Going

up...

Walk sees

Of course

you can

now buy

sunglasses

for dogs.

Why has it even taken this

long? They’re held on by a

band behind the head so no

amount of idiotic bounding

about will make them fall off.

Obviously cats don’t need

them because they’re

naturally cool.

The inside rule

Convicted rapist Harvey

Weinstein reportedly hired a

‘prison consultant’ to help

prepare him for life behind

bars. Kind of amazing that

someone has turned saying

“don’t drop the soap” and

“what about a cake with a file

in it” into a way to rip off rich

criminals. Couldn’t have

happened to a nicer guy.

Kerry Katona has five

children by three different men

• a fact she repeatedly has to
  defend. Ulrika Jonsson is
  regularly referred to as a 4x4.
  Both of them are looked down
  on for these ‘personal failings’.
  Boris Johnson has five official
  kids with two different partners.
  There’s also a suspected sixth
  child with a third partner.
  And now he’s having either his
  sixth or seventh baby with either
  his third or fourth partner. But you
  know what he’s seen as? Virile. A
  bit of a rascal. Let’s all slap him on
  the back and buy him a pint, eh?
  There are so, so many
  depressing things about Johnson.
  But the one most in focus today
  is the spotlight his career shines
  on the inequality between the
  sexes that still exists in 2020,
  despite all that’s been done to try
  to change things.
  Imagine a married female MP,
  who’d had numerous affairs, and
  was now shacked up with a
  boyfriend 24 years her junior, even
  being a contender for Prime
  Minister, let alone actually
  securing the role.
  Imagine if the police were then
  called to her home about a loud,
  alarming domestic incident.
  Imagine if she were referred to
  the police watchdog over whether
  she had committed criminal
  misconduct relating to her
  “friendship” with a US busi-
  nessman, who was giving inter-

views not exactly denying the

nature of that “friendship.”

Imagine if, days after the terms

of her divorce from her second

husband were finalised, she

announced she was already

engaged and expecting another

baby with the toyboy boyfriend.

And then imagine

that announcement

was made just days

after her ex-mother in

law died.

Unimaginable, isn’t

it. Especially compared

to the mass hysteria

and outrage when MP

Tracy Brabin showed

her shoulder.

A woman in Johnson’s position

would be shamed, and considered

unfit to run the country. For

Johnson, it’s business as usual,

with a side order of lads! lads! lads!

Of course we don’t just have

sexism to thank for Bozo never

being referred to by a number – it’s

also because he refuses to reveal

what that number is. If Ulrika is a

4x4, perhaps we should just call

him a More x More.

But does it really matter that we

can’t get a straight answer out of

him about how many kids he has?

It doesn’t have any bearing on his

ability to do his job.

Maybe he thinks we’re being

nosey, and that it’s his right to

keep his private life private.

The problem with that, though,

is the rumours continue to swirl.

Read Twitter and you’ll quickly

be convinced he has anything

from 12 to 20 children. And when

you won’t be honest, you can’t

really stop that happening.

Johnson’s evasiveness on this is

troubling because we’re not trying

to draw him on a complicated,

controversial matter

that needs much

debate – just on a very

basic fact.

Something instantly

Googleable about

every other person in

public life. Inconven-

iently for him, it does

matter if he comes

across as shifty and deceitful. Like

he’s cowering inside a fridge of lies,

hoping no-one will notice.

Hiding something only makes it

more obvious he has something to

hide. It also makes it clear Kerry

Katona is braver, and has more

admirable morals.

In fact, at this stage, I would feel

far more hopeful generally if Kerry

was Prime Minister. Luckily, the

way things have gone recently,

we’re probably only a few years

away from that being our reality.

*Male member. Not of Parliament

NO KiDDiNG OK for him, but not her

One rule because

he’s got a Johnson

‘‘A woman in

his position

would be

deemed unfit

to run country

Hell mans

File this one under good ideas

gone bad. In a bid to appeal to

our inner laziness, we’re about

to be able to buy sliced

mayonnaise, to save us the

immense effort of having to

spread it in a sandwich. In

theory, yes. In reality, the slimy

sheet of white stuff is so gross

that you no longer even want a

sandwich.

CRUSH OVER OF THE WEEK

Q: What’s the best piece

of advice you’ve ever

received?

Greg James: “Get a

dog. and yes, i

followed it.”

PHILOSOPHER

OF THE WEEK

“Maybe getting back up

again is what falls are for.”

ariana Grande