the
washington
post
.thursday,
february
20,
2020Dc16
BY MEGHAN LEAHYQ: I have three kids, ages 7,
5 and 2. The older two are in
first grade and
kindergarten. Both like
school and are doing fine.
My question is: What
emphasis do you
recommend putting on
report cards? Full
disclosure: I put zero
emphasis on them. I
actually don’t even
comment when they come
home. I sign them, put them
back in the backpacks and
send them back to the
teacher (all that is required
of me). I don’t go over them
with the kids, don’t ask
them how they feel about
them, don’t ask if they think
they can improve, nothing.
My first-grader is starting to
mention the report card
and ask how he did that
quarter. I don’t think he
really gets the concept yet
of quarterly grades, but he
is getting the concept of
performance and that this
piece of paper holds some
sort of significance in the
world. I don’t want to
minimize school
performance, and, honestly,
I don’t have to worry about
this yet because both boys
are performing above grade
level. I think this makes me
a bit cavalier about it all,
and I feel like my question
would be different if they
were struggling. In general,
what are your thoughts?
Thanks.A: Thank you for this question.
Report cards are a charged issue
for many parents. Your essential
question is: “What emphasis do
you recommend putting onreport cards?” This is an
interesting question, because the
rest of your letter shows that you
have a very distinct point of view
on report cards: You don’t like
them. I gather that you want me
to tell you it’s okay that you don’t
prioritize report cards.
As a formerly awful student, I
have a full appreciation of the
anxiety that report cards brought
me and my family. Aside from
some good news in elementary
school, I didn’t receive many
positive report cards until, well,
college. When it came time to
parent my own children, I
ignored report cards; report
cards don’t give full (or even
partial, in some cases) pictures of
children, their strengths and
weaknesses, their capability
a nd/or what needs to happen
next. As you mention, report
cards can feel performative and
unnecessary, placing focus on
the wrong element of learning.
As a parent, you have the right
to choose a school that doesn’t
use typical report cards.
Depending on where you live,
you may be able to chooseanother path: a different school,
home schooling, unschooling,
you name it.
But, if you are going to keep
your children in their present
schools (a more traditional
public or private school), you are
going to need to find the middle
way between “cavalier” and
feeling a slave to the numbers
and letters on a report card. As
arbitrary as report cards may
feel, there are some teachers who
thoughtfully fill them out. These
teachers are trying to give the
most accurate and truthful
snapshots of their students, and
if this is the case, report cards
can be a useful tool. A good
report card can flag learning
differences, subject-area
struggles, study-skill strengths
and weaknesses, as well as how
the child contributes to the class
in a social-emotional aspect. I
can hear some parents laughing
out loud at that list, but, as a
former teacher, I know I labored
over my report cards. I did care
about the child, and there are
countless teachers who also care,
which means that report cardscan be useful.
You have some choices in front
of you: Find a learning
environment that doesn’t use
report cards at all, or choose to
see report cards as only one piece
of the bigger puzzle that is your
child. The report card is only as
important as you make it. Rather
than allowing it to control you,
you can decide how you would
like to handle it. I have coached
many parents to treat report card
time privately, meaning there is
no public announcement of
grades to the family. There is no
fanfare or party or rewards. A
private meeting allows the child
to have a fuller conversation
about the report card, and if a
strategy needs to be
implemented, you can work that
out with your child. This private
meeting also allows for a
celebration of growth and what
is working. It is important that
we parents say: “Jackie, last year
you weren’t able to count to 50,
and now you are past 300!”
Pointing out strengths can help
our children take on a growth
mind-set rather than the rigidmind-set of “I am good at math
and bad at writing.”
I feel fine about taking my
child’s temperature and,
therefore, disregarding a report
card. When my family has had a
hard transition or there has been
bad news or an illness, I am
simply not going to give the
report card the same weight as I
would at another time in my
child’s life. If you are paying
attention to the child in front of
you, you will begin to
instinctually see the ebbs and
flows of these needs in your life,
and, most importantly, you will
spot your own fears and needs to
go to extremes when it comes to
the report card.
The report card is just one
data point. Use it appropriately.
Good luck. Also at washingtonpost.com
read the transcript of a recent live
Q&a with leahy at
washingtonpost.com/advice, where
you can also find past columns. her
next chat is march 4.
Send questions about parenting
to [email protected].ON PARENTINGHow much emphasis should be put on children’s report cards?
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