15-05-2021-052358It-Ends-with-Us

Ryle walks over and drops down to his knees in front of me. “Lily,”
he says. “I knew it would destroy him. I knew exactly what that little
boy was feeling... because that’s what happened to me. To Allysa’s
and my older brother.. .”
I can’t hold in the tears. I just start crying and he wraps his arms
tightly around my waist and lays his head on my lap. “I shot him, Lily.
My best friend. My big brother. I was only six years old. I didn’t even
know I was holding a real gun.”
His whole body begins to shake and he grips me even tighter. I
press a kiss into his hair because it feels like he’s on the verge of a
breakdown. Just like that night on the roof. And while I’m still so
angry at him, I also still love him and it absolutely kills me to find this
out about him. About Allysa. We sit quietly for a long time—his head
on my lap, his arms around my waist, my lips in his hair.
“She was only five when it happened. Emerson was seven. We were
in the garage, so no one heard our screams for a long time. And I just
sat there, and.. .”
He pulls away from my lap and stands up, facing the other
direction. After a long stretch of silence he sits down on the couch
and leans forward. “I was trying to.. .” Ryle’s face contorts in pain
and he lowers his head, covering it with his hands, shaking it back and
forth. “I was trying to put everything back inside his head. I thought I
could fix him, Lily.”
My hand flies up to my mouth. I gasp so loudly, there’s no way to
hide it.
I have to stand up so I can catch a breath.
It doesn’t help.
I still can’t breathe.
Ryle walks over to me, taking my hands and pulling me to him. We
hug each other for a solid minute when he says, “I would never tell
you this because I want it to excuse my behavior.” He pulls back and
looks me firmly in the eyes. “You have to believe that. Allysa wanted
me to tell you all of this because since that happened, there are things
I can’t control. I get angry. I black out. I’ve been in therapy since I was
six years old. But it is not my excuse. It is my reality.”
He wipes away my tears, cradling my head against his shoulder.