15-05-2021-052358It-Ends-with-Us

since he picked me up last night, I feel like talking about it. My head
is resting against his shoulder and my hands are in my lap. I’m
fidgeting with the drawstring on the pants that are way too big for me.
“Atlas?” I say, my voice barely a whisper. “I’m sorry I got so angry at
you that night at the restaurant. You were right. Deep down I knew
you were right, but I didn’t want to believe it.” I lift my head and look
at him, cracking a pitiful smile. “You can say, ‘I told you so’ now.”
His eyebrows draw together, like my words somehow hurt him.
“Lily, this is not something I wanted to be right about. I prayed every
day that I was wrong about him.”
I wince. I shouldn’t have said that to him. I know better than to
think Atlas would ever think something like I told you so.
He squeezes my shoulder and leans forward, kissing the top of my
head. I close my eyes as I soak up the familiarity of him. His smell, his
touch, his comfort. I’ve never understood how someone can be so
rock solid, yet comforting. But that’s always how I’ve viewed him. Like
he could withstand anything, but somehow still feels the weight that
everyone else carries.
I don’t like that I was never fully able to let go of him, no matter
how hard I tried. I think about the fight with Ryle over Atlas’s phone
number. The fight about the magnet, the article, the things he read in
my journal, the tattoo. None of that would have happened if I would
have just let go of Atlas and thrown it all away. Ryle wouldn’t have had
anything to be so upset with me about.
I pull my hands up to my face after that thought, upset that there’s
a part of me trying to blame Ryle’s reaction on my lack of closure with
Atlas.
There’s no excuse. None.
This is just another wave I’m being forced to ride on. A wave of
complete and utter confusion.
Atlas can feel the change in my composure. “You okay?”
I’m not.
I’m not okay, because until this moment, I had no idea how hurt I
still am that he never came back for me. If he’d have just come back
for me like he promised, I would have never even met Ryle. And I
would have never been in this situation.