ZAYA HAD
TO EDUCATE
US. SHE HAS
ALWAYS LED.
AT TIMES,
WE’VE HAD TO
CATCH UP
VIEWPOINT
Gabrielle Union + Dwyane Wade
WHAT OUR FAMILY TAUGHT US ABOUT EQUALITY
There’s an old-school menTaliTy for parenTs, espe-
cially if you play basketball, that when your son is born, he’s
going to follow in your footsteps. Zaire, who’s now 18 and a
key player for one of the best high school teams in the country,
quickly met that expectation.
When Zaya was born, we thought the same thing: let’s give
her a ball and see if she’s into it. But ever since she was about 3,
we realized she wasn’t. This summer, she told us she wanted to
use she/her pronouns and that she wanted to go by Zaya. Zion
was now her “dead name” and should no longer be used.
We projected our fears onto her. As black people, we know
what we’re facing. When you’ve seen the devil up close and
you’ve seen what evil lurks out there, your instinct is to just
say, “Turn into me and you’ll be O.K. I’ve made it this far.” But
we’re robbing our children of their identities and their most
authentic selves. Sometimes the fiercest fight is against the per-
son in the mirror and how you were raised.
We didn’t change overnight—we weren’t immediately the
perfect allies. We were assimilated into gender roles that we’d
been ascribed. There were learning curves. Zaya, now 12, once
asked us, “Do you know there’s a difference between gender ex-
pression, identity and sexuality?”
We were like, “Yep!” And the second she walked away, we
said, “O.K., let’s break out the Google.” We had to shut up and
listen and ask so many questions and talk to health care profes-
sionals. We reached out to black trans activists, advocates, edu-
cators, and watched shows and documentaries like Pose, Eu-
phoria and The Death and Life of Marsha P. Johnson. Zaya had to
educate us. She has always led. At times, we’ve had to catch up.
There are lots of things we still argue about, like what it is to
be a “lady.” Are we trying to teach Zaya a very specific and “tra-
ditional” way of performing “femininity,” like shaving your legs
and armpits? How many things that we do are rooted in misog-
yny, sexism and forcing women into these boxes?
Zaya’s identity may fly in the face of our faith or our
upbringing—a lot of parents have this mentality of “this is
how it has to be”—but honestly, that thinking is messing our
kids up. The transgender suicide rate is very high. It’s our job,
when our children come home and tell us who they truly are, to
go out and find the very best ways to help them embrace that.
When Zaire got his driver’s license and wanted to drive, we had
to explain to him what it means to be a black man in America
and how his interaction with the police may be different be-
cause of that. When any of our children show us who they are
in life, we make sure we give them the best—and we approach
Zaya’s identity in the same way.
Social media has been dif-
ficult. She’s in junior high, and
those years are so critical and
can be brutal. But for a lot of
LGBTQ+ kids, it’s their only
lifeline to their community.
We’re trying to figure out that
balance of not taking away her
community but also protecting
her from being inundated with
negativity and ignorance.
We were both surprised, and
encouraged, by how many peo-
ple in our lives changed their
traditional views on gender and
identity. When we were clear
with our loved ones that, in the
same way we’re not going to
be friends with people who as-
sault their children or use rac-
ist language, we were not going
to accept any discrimination
or abuse toward the LGBTQ+
community, it really wasn’t that
difficult for them. We didn’t
lose anybody. We gained a lot
more educated, curious people
who started their own inner
dialogue.The biggesT lesson we can
offer is: listen to your child. Do
you actually know your child,
or are you just committed to
forcing your child to conform
to these impossible standards?
You can’t one-size-fits-all your
parenting. A lot of people are
now wondering who they could
have been, had their parents
supported who they are.
Identity isn’t a desire or a
wish: it’s more a matter of our
understanding and making the
necessary adjustments to en-
sure someone is celebrated for
being their authentic and true
selves. We love our child and
would do anything to make
sure she has the best possibili-
ties to succeed in life, to have
happiness and joy. We see that
in Zaya. We see joy in her. And
that makes us feel so amazing.Union is an author and actor;
Wade is a three-time NBA
champion