individuals who remain much more inclined toward antisocial and criminal
behavior when adolescent and adult. But this does not at all mean that the
aggressive drive lacks either utility or value. At a minimum, it is necessary
for self-protection.
Compassion as a Vice
Many of the female clients (perhaps even a majority) that I see in my clinical
practice have trouble in their jobs and family lives not because they are too
aggressive, but because they are not aggressive enough. Cognitive-
behavioural therapists call the treatment of such people, generally
characterized by the more feminine traits of agreeableness (politeness and
compassion) and neuroticism (anxiety and emotional pain), “assertiveness
training.”^197 Insufficiently aggressive women—and men, although more
rarely—do too much for others. They tend to treat those around them as if
they were distressed children. They tend to be naïve. They assume that
cooperation should be the basis of all social transactions, and they avoid
conflict (which means they avoid confronting problems in their relationships
as well as at work). They continually sacrifice for others. This may sound
virtuous—and it is definitely an attitude that has certain social advantages—
but it can and often does become counterproductively one-sided. Because
too-agreeable people bend over backwards for other people, they do not stand
up properly for themselves. Assuming that others think as they do, they
expect—instead of ensuring—reciprocity for their thoughtful actions. When
this does not happen, they don’t speak up. They do not or cannot
straightforwardly demand recognition. The dark side of their characters
emerges, because of their subjugation, and they become resentful.
I teach excessively agreeable people to note the emergence of such
resentment, which is a very important, although very toxic, emotion. There
are only two major reasons for resentment: being taken advantage of (or
allowing yourself to be taken advantage of), or whiny refusal to adopt
responsibility and grow up. If you’re resentful, look for the reasons. Perhaps
discuss the issue with someone you trust. Are you feeling hard done by, in an
immature manner? If, after some honest consideration, you don’t think it’s
that, perhaps someone is taking advantage of you. This means that you now
face a moral obligation to speak up for yourself. This might mean confronting