As you read this chapter, it becomes apparent that being avoidant isn’t
really about living a self-sufficient life; it’s about a life of struggle involving
the constant suppression of a powerful attachment system using the (also
powerful) deactivating strategies we’ve outlined. Because of their power
it’s easy to conclude that these behaviors, thoughts, and beliefs are
impossible to uproot and change. But, strictly speaking, this is not the case.
What is true is that people with an avoidant attachment style
overwhelmingly assume that the reason they’re unable to find happiness in
a relationship has little to do with themselves and a lot to do with external
circumstances—meeting the wrong people, not finding “the one,” or only
hooking up with prospects who want to tie them down. They rarely search
inside themselves for the reason for their dissatisfaction, and even more
rarely seek help or even agree to get help when their partner suggests they
do so. Unfortunately, until they look inward or seek counseling, change is
not likely to occur.
On occasions when avoidants reach a low point in their life—because of
severe loneliness, a life-altering experience, or a major accident—they can
change their way of thinking. For those of you who have reached that point,
take note of the following eight actions that will get you one step closer to
true intimacy. Most of these steps require, first and foremost, increasing
your self-awareness. But knowing about the thought patterns that deny you
the ability to truly get close to someone is only the first step. The next and
harder step requires you to start to identify instances in which you employ
these attitudes and behaviors, and then to embark on the voyage of change.
COACHING SESSION: EIGHT THINGS YOU CAN S
TART DOING TODAY TO STOP PUSHING LOVE
AWAY
- Learn to identify deactivating strategies. Don’t act on
your impulse. When you’re excited about someone but then
suddenly have a gut feeling that s/he is not right for you, stop
and think. Is this actually a deactivating strategy? Are all
those small imperfections you’re starting to notice really
your attachment system’s way of making you step back?
Remind yourself that this picture is skewed and that you