9781529032178

system distract you—you aren’t addicted to the highs and lows of being
with someone who keeps you guessing all the time. Unlike avoidants, you
aren’t diverted by false fantasies of the perfect person waiting for you or
“the one” that got away, and you don’t unconsciously employ deactivating
strategies that cause you to get cold feet when someone starts to get close.
As a secure, the opposite is true of you—you believe that there are many
potential partners open to intimacy and closeness who would be responsive
to your needs. You know you deserve to be loved and valued at all times.
You are programmed to expect that. If someone sends out vibes that are not
in line with these expectations—if they’re inconsistent or evasive—you
automatically lose interest. Tanya, 28, a secure woman we interviewed, put
it very simply:
“I’ve slept with eleven guys in my life and they’ve all wanted to have a
serious relationship with me. I guess it’s something I convey. I know that I
get the message across that I’m someone who’s worth getting to know, not
just in bed, that if they stick around, there’s a treasure to be revealed.
“The guys I show interest in don’t play games—that is very important to
me. They call immediately the next day, or at the very latest the next
evening. In return, right from the start I show them that I’m interested.
There were only two men in my life that waited two days to call, and I
screened them both out immediately.”
Notice that Tanya wastes no time at all on men she perceives as not being
responsive enough to her needs. To some, her decisions might seem rash,
but for secure people such behavior comes naturally. Studies in the field of
attachment have confirmed that subjects with a more secure attachment
style are indeed less likely to play games. Tanya knows intuitively which
partners are wrong for her. Game playing is a deal breaker as far as she is
concerned. The important thing about her approach is that Tanya assumes
that if her partner treats her disrespectfully, it’s indicative of his inability to
be responsive in a relationship, and not of her own worth. She also doesn’t
have too many negative feelings about these two men. It’s just a nonissue
for her, and she instinctively moves on. This is very different from someone
anxious who would probably assume that she was to blame for her date’s
actions. She might start to second-guess her own behavior—“I must have
come on too strong,” “I should have invited him up,” or “It was so stupid to