important your well-being is to your partner:
- Does s/he try to get to the bottom of your concerns?
- Does s/he respond to the issue at hand or does s/he try to dodge you?
- Does s/he take your concerns seriously or does s/he try to belittle you
or make you feel foolish for raising them? - Does s/he try to find ways to make you feel better or is s/he only
busy acting defensive? - Is s/he replying to your concerns only factually (as in a court of law)
or is s/he also in tune with your emotional well-being?
If your partner is responsive and genuinely concerned about your happiness
and security, you have a green light to go ahead with the relationship. If,
however, your partner tries to evade important topics, acts defensively, or
makes you feel foolish or needy, you should heed it as a serious warning
sign.
WHY IT IS HARD FOR PEOPLE WITH AN INSECURE
STYLE TO ADOPT EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
Effective communication almost seems like a no-brainer. After all, all
people can do it once they set their mind to it, right? Well, yes, as long as
they are secure. Often, insecure people cannot get in touch with what is
really bothering them. They get overwhelmed by emotions and lash out.
Studies show that people with a secure attachment style don’t react so
strongly, don’t get overwhelmed as easily, and can thus calmly and
effectively communicate their own feelings and tend to the needs of their
partners. Secure people also believe that they are worthy of love and
affection, and expect their partners to be responsive and caring. With these
beliefs, it’s easy to see why they don’t let negative thoughts take over, how
they can stay calm and collected and assume the other person will react
positively. In fact, this attitude can be infectious. Nancy Collins of
University of California-Santa Barbara, whose main research interests
include the social and cognitive processes that shape close relationships in
adulthood and the impact that these processes have on health and well-