This is probably one of the most important ways to uncover your
partner’s attachment style: Don’t be afraid to express your needs, thoughts,
and feelings to your partner! (See chapter 11 for more on effective
communication.) What often happens when we’re dating is that we censor
ourselves for different reasons: We don’t want to sound too eager or needy
or we believe it’s too soon to raise a certain topic. However, expressing
your needs and true feelings can be a useful litmus test of the other person’s
capacity to meet your needs. The response, in real time, is usually much
more telling than anything he or she could ever reveal of their own accord:
- If s/he’s secure—s/he’ll understand and do what’s best to
accommodate your needs. - If s/he’s anxious—you’ll serve as a useful role model. He or she will
welcome the opportunity for greater intimacy and start to become
more direct and open. - If s/he’s avoidant—s/he will feel very uncomfortable with the
increased intimacy that your emotional disclosure brings and will
respond in one of the following ways: - “You’re too sensitive/demanding/needy.”
- “I don’t want to talk about it.”
- “Stop analyzing everything!”
- “What do you want from me? I didn’t do anything wrong.”
- He or she will consider your needs on a certain matter only to
disregard them again very soon after. - “Geez, I said I was sorry.”
5. Listen and look for what he or she is not saying or doing.
What goes unsaid or undone by your partner can be just as informative as
what he or she is doing and saying. Trust your gut feeling. Consider these
examples:
At midnight on New Year’s Eve, Rob kissed his girlfriend and said, “I’m
so glad that I’m with you. I hope that this will be the first of many new
years for us together.” His girlfriend kissed him back but did not reply. Two
months later they separated.