couplehood. Although Mark did not meet her definition of the “ideal man,”
she made the mental transition without much hesitation and, more
important, is very satisfied with her decision in retrospect. Here too, if she
were avoidant, she might make the same compromise, but most likely she
would feel cheated for having to make it. Lastly, Bella expresses her
feelings for Mark openly and naturally.
- Janet, single, 23.
I’ve finally met a great guy, a really great guy. Tim and I have been out
together twice and I already feel myself falling in love. It’s so hard to find
someone I’m compatible with—I’m only attracted to a certain type of man,
and then what are the chances he’ll also find me attractive? The odds are
against me on this one. So now that I’ve met Tim, I want to make sure I do
everything right. I can’t afford to make any mistakes. One wrong move and
I could jeopardize the entire relationship. I’m waiting for him to set the
pace because I don’t want to seem too eager. Perhaps a text message would
be okay? That might seem laid back and spontaneous, don’t you think? Or
maybe I’ll forward him some funny e-mail as part of a distribution list?
Attachment Style: __
Answer: Anxious. Janet is typically anxious. She seeks closeness, feels
incomplete on her own, and is very preoccupied with the relationship.
Granted, on the first few dates people of all attachment styles get excited
about the other person and think about them a lot. However, with Janet it
goes a step further—she views relationships as rare and fragile and believes
that any small, inappropriate act on her part has the capacity to ruin them.
Therefore, she turns over in her head every move she makes, countless
times, so as not to make a “mistake.” She also chooses to let Tim set the
tone and pace of the relationship. Last, because she’s insecure, she plays
games by considering ways of indirectly getting in touch with Tim without
putting herself on the line, such as making up a distribution list as an excuse
to send him an e-mail.
- Paul, single, 37.