VISOR
My mum never wore one of
these hats in the year 1998, and
yet, somehow, this hat makes
me look like everyone’s mum
in the year 1998. Combined
with a white polo shirt and a
tennis racquet, I feel like it
would guarantee my admission
into some schmancy tennis
club where everyone’s kids
are named either ‘Maddie’
or ‘Cooper’. There are some
definite good things about
this hat: (1) It fits me; (2) The
brim is very long, making for
good sun protection; and (3)
It leaves the top of your head
unrestricted, so you don’t end
up with hat hair. There are also
some bad things about this
hat: (1) It makes me look like
everyone’s mum, including
your mum, probably; (2) I look
like I’m from the year 1998; (3)
It’s actually quite ugly, let’s be
honest. RGF
DROVER’S HAT
This hat has a miracle effect:
just by plonking it on your head,
it transforms even the most
soft-handed city wanker (hello,
that’s me) into a fair dinkum
top bloke/sheila (that’s me
with this hat on). It’s a bloody
miracle, this hat is. It also has
a slightly musty oilskin smell,
but I feel like that’s something
I can move past. Because I take
my hat reviewing very seriously,
I also asked other people to try
this hat on. Overwhelmingly,
most people looked like they
should be background extras
on McLeod’s Daughters (is
this good? I don’t know), but it
gave at least one person pretty
unmistakeable Wolf Creekvibes
(this is definitely bad). So, uhh,
what can I say? This hat will
crank your Aussie credentials
to at least jolly swagman levels,
but if you pair it with a flanny,
you’re stuffed. RGFBASEBALL CAP
I don’t know if there’s
something wrong with the
shape of my head, but it takes
just a gentle slip of breeze
to knock normal snapback
baseball caps right off me.
It was no different with this
one. Barely five minutes
after putting it on, I was
tear-arsing down the local
piss-stained alleyway as it
blew just out of my reach.
By the time I managed to
grab it and jam it back on
my weird pinhead, I was
thoroughly cheesed off. I
tried to secure the cap a little
more by putting my ponytail
through the hole at the back,
but I caught a glimpse of my
reflection in a shop window
and the power-walking-
grandma vibes were just too
much. I left the cap sitting on
top of a pile of hard rubbish
on the side of the road. ERBOATER
Every time I see private
school boys wearing these
stupid flat straw hats, I laugh
at them internally. That’s
the boater’s main use: not
as a hat, but as a symbol of
arbitrary discipline. Nobody
would wear one voluntarily;
they have no designated
space for your actual head,
so they just perch on the very
top of your noggin and make
you look like an idiot. I know
this is true because as soon
as I put mine on, my friend
started laughing at me and
didn’t stop until I took it off.
I offered her $5 to put the hat
on and let me take a picture
of her in it, but she said
I couldn’t afford her price for
that kind of humiliation. Then
a couple of days later she
sent me a text message that
read, “Still thinking about that
stupid hat.” ERroad test