wellness
S
omething many of us fear is that honesty
and vulnerability will invite criticism and
rejection. This can extend itself to disguising
stress by putting on a veneer of calm so that our
partner doesn’t think we’re ‘needy’ or ‘high-
maintenance’. We might fear opening a can of
worms, preferring to sweep it under the carpet.
In new relationships, we might assume that
disagreeing means we’re wrong for each other.
The end of the honeymoon period is often seen as
a problem instead of the beginning of real intimacy.
Depending on our respective communication styles
and associations with conflict and stress, doing
things ‘my way’ can result in a power struggle.
If it continues, we might chug along happily until
we’re stressed, or a problem crops up. Even though
these situations might feel fraught, if we value
honesty and growing together, our joint response
to conflict and stress improves over time, even if
there are hot button subjects.
But, if either of us gradually avoids talking
about their innermost feelings and thoughts, we’ll
shut down, become fatigued by the situation and
lose faith in the relationship. Resentment will
build, and at some point, one or both will explode
or implode.
Each of us has strong ideas about the way to do
certain things in a relationship. While it might be
about usage of ‘best’ towels (a friend), not denting
the butter (my husband), or where dirty socks
belong (me), it might be who we think our partner
is supposed to be if we’re doing ‘all the things’
(i.e. being a Good Partner™). It might be about how
to spend money, the division of labour, free time,
parenting, how much we work... the list goes on.
Our strong ideas about how to do things are
based on beliefs. This includes what we learned
from our past. But they’re just our view of things,
not the way. Relationships have to be collaborative
partnerships based on finding the way together,
not fighting to come out on top.
The small stuff doesn’t become a source of
repeated tension, friction and misunderstanding ifWeathering the storms
Stress affects us all, but often we direct our frustration at the wrong
person. Show your vulnerability and find new resilience togetherwe haven’t got bigger fish that we’re not frying.
Or, if we’re not using it to avoid vulnerability.
But even small stuff can feel pretty big when
we’ve got unexpressed stress, frustration and
resentment. That might be about bigger issues,
but it can, as I can attest to, be about anxiety
or annoyance about something work-related,
exhaustion, or grappling with feelings of loss.
We don’t necessarily say ‘I’m struggling’ or
‘It really wound me up when that person did X’.
We might jump on our partner’s case or be super
cranky though, to relieve some of our stressy
feelings, potentially creating conflict and hurt.
So many couples become adrift because one
or both think it’s better not to bring something up
because it will hurt feelings, cause problems or
burden. But the moment we do this, it blocks
intimacy. It can be really lonely when it feels like
we’re drowning and our partner doesn’t see it.
Equally, plenty of us find it baffling when our
partner won’t just speak up or appears to be
disproportionately stressed by something.
But we’re all just humans being human. We
get triggered by emotional baggage that shows
up when we’re stressed. Acknowledging this allows
us to see ourselves and others better, rather than
expecting people to fit our vision. Often, we’re not
fighting our partner; it’s people from our past that
our partner or the situation remind us of.
The more we evolve our responses to stress,
then, the more we heal that baggage. We, and our
relationship, feel and become resilient against life’s
inevitable stresses. We feel, even if we’re going to
disagree, that we can weather it together.Natalie Lue is the author of
seven books aimed at helping
overachievers and people-
pleasers break unhealthy habits.
She has been writing her blog
baggagereclaim.co.uk for 15 years.
Follow her on Insta @natlueWords: Natalie Lue