Thosemorningsweren’tabout
gunssomuchastheywereabout
growingup,theprideofinclusionin
a culture,theproximitytoa mascu-
lineenerg yweallfoundintoxicating.
IfpeopleinTuscaloosatalkedabout
gunviolenceatall– inthewakeofa
massshooting,oraftertherarehunt-
ingaccident– itwasasanunfortu-
natebutexplicablebitofcollateral
damage:occasionallycarshitpeople,
butwestilldrive.
When I was 14,mygrandfatherbe-
camea co-ownerof
anoutdoorsstore.
The shop car-
riedeverything–
firearms,fishing
equipment,hiking
andcampinggear.
After I gotshot,
afterI wasableto
sleepon myleft
sideagain,I startedthinkingabout
thegunsectionatthebackofthe
shop.Didthepersonwhoshotmebuy
theweaponthere?Howlongdidthe
saletake?I picturedhim– heisface-
lessinmymind,butalwaysa man–
selectinga gun,andthentossingina
packofchewinggum,becauseit was
righttherebythecashregister.
Probably I had parroted the
unfortunate-but-justifiable-collateral
bitbefore.Thatlogicbecamemud-
died,though,whenthecollateral
damagewasme.Butnobodytalked
aboutit likethat,atleastnotout loud.
So for a while, neither did I.remember:Novemberair,stadium
lights,cutgrass.Wecheerleaders
wouldstayafterschooltopractise
ourhalftimeroutine.OnFridaynights,
we’dcrowdinfrontofthesmallbath-
roommirrorstotouchupourmakeup
- glittereyeshadowif it wasa biggame
- andemergeina fogofhairspray.
Thecheerleaderswhoweremost
enviedweretheoneswhohadtheir
alarmclocksetfor4amthenextday.It
meanttheyhada boyfriendwhowas
takingthemhunting,and that meant
thingsweregetting
serious.
Not every girl
wasexcitedabout
thehuntingitself.
Thegearwasbulky
andheavy:rubber
boots and a big
camouflagejacket,
which,ifyouwere
luckyandhadabrother,youcould
justborrowfromhim.Theboywould
pickyouupinhis4WDanddriveyou
outtohisfamily’sland.You’dclimb
intothedeerstandandwait.Theboy
wouldhavehisrifleready– maybea
.30-06,a youthmodelthatdidn’tkick
toohard– andwhenhispreyfinally
emerged,he’dsqueezethetrigger,
andyou’djumpbecausethesound
crackedopenthesky.Afewhorri-
blyboringhoursforyou,butwhen
hisfaceflushedwithdelight,you’d
rememberwhyyoucame– because
it wasimportanttohim,whichmeant
that it was important to you, too.
I looked at
the blood
blooming
across my
blue dress37
The View From Gun Country