PHOTOGRAPH GETTY IMAGES118 ·^ COSMOPOLITAN
love
the ’90s great?’ and
neglecting to mention
OJ Simpson, Bill Clinton
and skinny eyebrows,”
I giggled onstage.
Through writing jokes,
I learned that there was
no way I was going to“Sharing
my sadness
made me
feel a lot
lighter”
to write a show exploring
the funnier side of the
whole thing. The result
was The Conscious
Uncoupling, ironically
named after Gwyneth
Paltrow’s rather more
amicable separation.
I blended excerpts from
the email with visits by
three spoofy Dickensian
ghosts, all played by me
in a makeshift cloak. The
ghost of my romantic
past warned of the
dangers of cherry-
picking memories. “It’s a
bit like saying, ‘Weren’ty big
break-up
took place
in the unfurling moments
of 2011. Just as the
vapour trails of the New
Year fireworks faded, my
girlfriend of five years
dumped me by email.
It seemed so cold of her
to sever the connection
without a face-to-face
post-mortem. “What the
hell just happened?”
I thought, stunned by
this abrupt emotional
punch in the guts.
That January evening,
I was due to perform a
comedy gig. I frantically
tried to cancel it; I was
a mess and couldn’t see
how I’d manage to stand
on stage for an hour
being funny. But the
promoter convinced me
that the crowd would be
supportive – and they
were right. It was one of
the most raw, authentic
performances I’ve ever
given. There was a
magical empathy in the
room. When I suggested
that I felt better once I’d
corrected the spelling
and punctuation in heremail, the audience
erupted into a belly
laugh. Heartache,
I realised, is universal,
and sharing my shock
and sadness made me
feel lighter. I couldn’t
stop smiling on the bus
home. It was my first
taste of the ways in
which comedy could
help me process feelings
of rejection and upset.
When I got to the fifth
anniversary of the break-
up, I decided to revisit
the dreaded email.
Enough time had passedThrough making others laugh, stand-up Rosie Wilby
was able to process her own pain
What I’ve learned
about heartbreak from...
performing
comedy
move on when I was
convinced she was
“the one”. In reality,
the romance had been
traumatic all along.
She hadn’t come out
to her parents and
I struggled with the
invisibility that enforced.
Hearing the audience
laugh as I recalled
the time she tried to
make me feel better by
saying that her parents
enjoyed Brokeback
Mountain (“It’s hardly
the most optimistic
portrayal of gay
relationships!”) made
me feel understood.
I felt buoyed by the
empathetic responses
of my audiences and
realised that the biggest
heartbreak of all had
been staying in a
situation that wasn’t
right for me. I’m now in
a balanced relationship
that feels both secure
and sexy. I used to joke
on stage about the
confusing myriad uses
of the word “love”. I’d
say, “I love chocolate
and I love my girlfriend.
One of those is an
insatiable, obsessive
craving... and the other
is how I feel about my
girlfriend,” as if my
partner was a boring
salad. My new girlfriend,
Suz, is that elusive
menu option: chocolate
salad. Having a job
that allows me to create
a constant dialogue
about the big things,
such as love, emotions
and recovery, helped
me to make a better
choice this time around.
Rosie Wilby is the author
of Is Monogamy Dead?
and host of The Breakup
Monologues podcast