How to start a conversation with strangers
Small talk is actually something very big. Those who manage to start a
conversation with strangers, break the ice and treat them like friends have
the world at their feet (see ‘proust’s Questionnaire’). But it’s incredibly
difficult. There has been little serious research into the art of small talk
and there are few reliable theories, but, nonetheless, here are some
practical tips.
Ask for advice
People love giving advice. So, start your small talk with a request for
advice: ‘I want to buy a smartphone [or a cocktail or a book], but I can’t
decide which one.’ Most people will happily open up. Then thank them for
the tip and the other person will feel like a fireman who has successfully
extinguished a fire. The psychology behind this: if you ask for advice, you
create intimacy: intimacy makes rejection difficult. Therefore, if you want
to influence someone, it is a good idea to ask that person for advice first.
Ask a second question
We often ask something and then wait for the other person to ask
something back. This is not a conversation. Instead, use the old reporter
trick and ask a second question. If you just asked ‘Where did you grow
up?’, then a good follow-up question might be: ‘How has that place shaped
you?’
Don’t ask: ‘What do you do for a living?’
There are two kinds of people: those who like to talk about their job and
go on and on about it; and those who are ashamed of their job, hate it or
don’t have one. The latter are reluctant to talk about this topic. The author
Gretchen Rubin suggests this simple but powerful tweak to the usual
‘What do you do for a living?’ job question: ‘What’s keeping you busy
these days?’ Now the other person can choose what to talk about.