How to ask good questions
In the late nineteenth century, light conversation (or ‘small talk’ in modern
English – see ‘Small Talk’) was crucial to the success of an evening. Being
refined was not about saying the right thing without having to think too
hard, nor was it about getting the other person to laugh at one’s charming,
witty remarks. Instead, the ideal neighbour at a dinner party was the one
who had mastered the fine art of asking questions. The explanation for this
is simple, and truthful, and can be summed up with this rule: we do not
appreciate those who are brilliant, but those who make us feel brilliant.
But because it is extremely difficult to ask the right question in the right
situation, a small crib sheet soon circulated around European salons. It
consisted of questions that seemed innocent but which bared the soul, such
as ‘Who would you prefer to be?’, ‘How would you like to die?’ and
‘Which characteristics do you most appreciate in a man?’ The author of
the questionnaire remains unknown to this day. In 1885, Marcel Proust
(then only thirteen years old) answered the questionnaire at his friend
Antoinette Faure’s birthday party. In 1924, Faure’s son published Proust’s
answers; since then it has been known as ‘Proust’s Questionnaire’. The
fact that he didn’t invent it, but simply filled it in, speaks in favour of the
charm of the above rule.
Proust’s questions have three key qualities:
- They are open questions that you cannot answer with yes or no.
- The questions require no prior knowledge; in other words, there are no
right or wrong answers, only honest ones.- They are questions that centre on your counterpart rather than on you.
We all admire people who give good answers. But we admire those who
ask good questions even more. The people we remember most are the ones
who really listen.