Which ‘I’ do you use to communicate?
Here are two of the greatest interpreters of human communication:
· Sigmund Freud (1856–1939), the founder of psychoanalysis, believed
that hidden pleasures and fears from our childhood are the motivation
behind our communication problems.· The psychiatrist Eric Berne (1910–70), however, believed that you do
not have to go on a painful journey into your past to get to know
yourself; it is enough to observe yourself in communication with others.In 1964, Berne proposed in his book Games People Play a counter-model
to Freud’s theory, a book which due to its simplicity and clarity became a
bestseller in the genre of communication and self-help books. According
to Berne, it all starts with the three ‘ego states’ we adopt in relation to
others:
- The parent ego state: we all are a little like our parents. This is evident
when we patronize others or tell them what they should or should not
do. But also when we act thoughtfully, empathically or helpfully.- The adult ego state: we act like adults when we communicate in a
considered, controlled and relaxed way. In other words, when we treat
the other party respectfully and respond to criticism factually and
constructively.- The child ego state: we also carry in us the child that we once were. We
are unrepentant, defiant, silly or anxious. But positive qualities such as
imagination, curiosity and learning are also evident in our childlike
communication.All states occur in one person. So what use is transactional analysis in
practice? When we communicate, it is always from one of these ego states.
We are not always aware of this; but it is most evident when we observe
ourselves. Let’s suppose that a proposal we put forward in a discussion is
rejected by the group. If we react in an offended way or respond defiantly,
we are in child mode. If we weigh things up rationally and realize that our