Crab: That's just what the other character in the Dialogue thought. But
that's a preposterous interpretation of the statement. (The Crab draws
deeply from his pipe, and puffs several billows of smoke into the air.)
Achilles: Well, what does "spontaneous self-assembly" mean, then?
Crab: The idea is that when some biological units inside a cell are taken
apart, they can spontaneously reassemble themselves-without being
directed by any other unit. The pieces just come together, and
prestol-they stick.
Achilles: That sounds like magic. Wouldn't it be wonderful if a full-sized
record player could have that property? I mean, if a miniature "record
player" such as a ribosome can do it, why not a big one? That would
allow you to create an indestructible phonograph, right? Any time it
was broken, it would just put itself together again.
Crab: Exactly my thought. I breathlessly rushed a letter off to my man-
ufacturer explaining the concept of self-assembly, and asked him if he
could build me a record player which could take itself apart and
spontaneously self-assemble in another form.
Achilles: A hefty bill to fill.
Crab: True; but after several months, he wrote to me that he had suc-
ceeded, at long last-and indeed he sent me quite a hefty bill. One fine
day, hoI My Grand Self-assembling Record Player arrived in the mail,
and it was with great confidence that I telephoned Mr. Tortoise, and
invited him over for the purpose of testing my ultimate record player.
Achilles: So this magnificent object before us must be the very machine of
which you speak.
Crab: I'm afraid not, Achilles.
Achilles: Don't tell me that once again ...
Crab: What you suspect, my dear friend, is unfortunately the case. I don't
pretend to understand the reasons why. The whole thing is too painful
to recount. To see all those springs and wires chaotically strewn about
on the floor, and puffs of smoke here and there-oh, me ...
Achilles: There, there, Mr. Crab, don't take it too badly.
Crab: I'm quite all right; I just have these spells every so often. Well, to go
on, after Mr. Tortoise's initial gloating, he at last realized how sorrow-
ful I was feeling, and took pity. He tried to comfort me by explaining
that it couldn't be helped-it all had to do with somebody-or-other's
"Theorem", but I couldn't follow a word of it. It sounded like "Turtle's
Theorem".
Achilles: I wonder if it was that "Godel's Theorem" which he spoke of once
before to me ... It has a rather sinister ring to it.
Crab: It could be. I don't recall.
Achilles: I can assure you, Mr. Crab, that I have followed this tale with the
utmost empathy for your position. It is truly sad. But, you mentioned
that there was a silver lining. Pray tell, what was that?
Crab: Oh, yes-the silver lining. Well, eventually, I abandoned my quest
after "Perfection" in phonographs., and decided that I might do better
(^486) Edifying Thoughts of a Tobacco Smoker