ing. Out-of-Town is in punt formation, with Tedzilliger playing deep.
Orwix is back to kick-and he gets a long high one away. It's coming
down near Tedzilliger-
Achilles: Grab it, Tedzilliger! Give those Out-of-Towners a run for their
money!
Announcer: -and lands in a puddle-KERsPLOSH! Oh-it bounces right
into his arms! Now Sprunk is madly scrambling after him, but he's got
good blocking, and he steers his way clear of the formidable Sprunk,
and now he's got an open field ahead of him. Look at that, folks! He's
to the 50, the 40, the 30, the 20, the lO-touchdown, Home Team!
(Huge cheers from the Home Team side.) Well, fans, that's how it would
have gone, if footballs were spheres instead of oblate spheroids! But in
reality, Home Team loses the ball, and Out-of-Towners take over on
the Home Team 7-yard line. Oh, well, that's the way the ball bounces.
Achilles: What do you think of THAT, Mr. Sloth?
(And Achilles gives a smirk in the direction of the Sloth, but the latter is
completely oblivious to its devastating effect, as he is busy watching the
Crab arrive with a large platter with a hundred and twelve--1lO,y, a
hundred-large and delicious French fries, and napkins for all.)
Crab: So how do you three find my Subjunc-TV?
Sloth: Most disappointing, Crab, to be quite frank. It seems to be badly out
of order. It makes pointless excursions into nonsense at least half the
time. If it belonged to me, I would give it away immediately to some-
one like you, Crab. But of course it doesn't belong to me.
Achilles: It's quite a strange device. I tried to rerun a play to see how it
would have gone under different weather conditions, but the thing
seems to have a will of its own! Instead of changing the weather, it
changed the football shape to ROUND instead of FOOTBALL-SHAPED!
Now tell me-how can a football not be shaped like a football? That's a
contradiction in terms. How preposterous!
Crab: Such tame games! I thought you'd surely find more interesting
subjunctives. How would you like to see how the last play would have
looked if the game had been baseball instead of football?
Tortoise: Oh! An outstanding idea!
(The Crab twiddles two knobs, and steps back.)
Announcer: There are four away, and-
Achilles: FOUR away!?
Announcer: That's right, fans-four away. When you turn football into
baseball, SOMETHING's got to give! Now as I was about to say, there are
four away, with Out~of-Town in the field, and Home Team up. Tedzil-
liger is at bat. Out-of-Town is in bunt formation. Orwix raises his arm
to pitch-and he gets a long high ball away. It's heading straight for
T edzilliger-
Achilles: Smash it, Tedzilliger! Give those Out-of-Towners a home run for
their money!Contrajactus^637