My best is good enough
I
waited until my Ph.D. committee had left the room to break down. I sank into a chair, head in
hands, as my committee meeting form sat unsigned on the lectern. I had just failed my dissertation
proposal defense—a poor start to my fourth year of grad school. My committee members had told
me that my experiments were too small-scale, my ideas not deep enough. I realize now that they
were pushing me because they believed in me. They told me as much. But in that moment, I could
not hear anything positive. All I could hear was the voice in my head telling me that I’d failed.By Katherine Still
ILLUSTRATION: ROBERT NEUBECKERThe setback sapped me of all mo-
tivation. For the next 4 months, I
lacked focus at work. I no longer
double-checked that I was fully pre-
pared before starting a lab protocol,
and I had trouble finding the en-
ergy to even think about re-writing
my proposal.
I was surprised at my unraveling.
I had passed my qualifying exam
without issue; I had thought I was a
successful graduate student. Surely,
I was more resilient than to let
one failure demoralize me. When I
shared my struggle with colleagues,
they assured me that a loss of mo-
tivation was normal at this stage in
grad school, even without any major
setbacks. One senior grad student
called it “the dreaded fourth-year
slump.” But normal or not, I wanted
to understand why I felt that way.
My colleagues were right about one thing: The outcome
of my proposal defense wasn’t the only cause of my slump.
After some thought, it dawned on me that I had been put-
ting undue pressure on myself throughout grad school.
To believe I was making good progress, I needed external
validation—an award, positive results, or praise from pro-
fessors I respected. When I didn’t get those things at every
opportunity, I felt I was not on the right track.
That mindset became a hindrance during my third year,
because I didn’t have much new to show for my efforts in
the lab. I spent time repeating experiments as I started
to mold my findings into a publishable format, and I at-
tempted a few long-shot experiments that failed. I received
fewer compliments on my work, and that made me feel as
though I was progressing slowly compared with earlier in
my Ph.D. program. To make matters worse, I compared my-
self to my peers, and when awards went to others, I wilted.
In the weeks leading up to my proposal defense, I suffered
from anxiety because I feared that my committee would
see the shortcomings that I perceived in myself. Lackingconfidence in my work, I proposed
experiments that were doable but
not exactly paradigm-shifting. And
when I didn’t pass, the failure con-
firmed my self-doubts. Eventually,
as my loss of confidence became a
bigger problem, I knew that I had
to do something about it.
I decided that I needed to set
healthier standards for myself.
I did not have control over how
much praise I received or how
many new data I generated. The
only thing I had control over, I real-
ized, was the effort I put forth. So,
I started to regularly check in with
myself and ask, “Am I doing my
best?” If the answer was yes, then
I could be proud. If the answer was
no, then it was within my power to
turn things around.
I went into my second proposal
defense with a much more positive mindset—along with
grander experiments in my proposal—and passed 5 months
after my first attempt. I’ve also used the approach to change
my focus during the day-to-day grind of benchwork. Now,
instead of fixating on whether my experiments generate
exciting data that others will compliment, I focus on thor-
oughly planning and meticulously executing my lab proto-
cols. I also avoid comparing my research progress to that of
my peers; their journey is theirs alone.
I’m pleased to report that my new approach has helped
me regain confidence in myself—and my work—and I’m
more productive as a result. It has given me a resilience
that I wish I had earlier in my Ph.D. I hope that I can
help other students realize that external validation is not
always guaranteed, and if they are doing their best, that is
good enough. jKatherine Still is a Ph.D. student at the University of Virginia
in Charlottesville. Do you have an interesting career story to share?
Send it to [email protected].“My new approach ... has
given me a resilience that I wish
I had earlier in my Ph.D.”
822 14 FEBRUARY 2020 • VOL 367 ISSUE 6479 sciencemag.org SCIENCE
WORKING LIFE
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