The Psychology of Friendship - Oxford University Press (2016)

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Competition in Friendship

David R. Hibbard and Gail E. Walton

Dan and Steve both learned to play guitar when they were about 10 years old. They took
lessons together, taught each other songs, and by the time they were 13  years old, they
had both become fairly competent guitar players. Although best friends, they would often
argue with one another about which one of them was the “best” guitar player. After a few
rather heated arguments, Dan and Steve both quietly realized that if one of them were
to “win” this competition, it would probably end their friendship. Instead, one day after
a particularly intense jam session, they found a compromise! Both agreed that Steve was
the best rhythm guitarist, while Dan was better on lead instrumental parts. They never
argued about it again.

Many societies greatly value competitiveness in relation to economics, politics,
entertainment, and sports. On a personal level, however, humans are ambivalent
about competition. While we tend to admire the competitive person’s desire to
achieve important goals, master the environment, and prevail in the midst of adver-
sity, we also tend to be uncomfortable around people who show little concern for
others, put other people down, and place winning ahead of all else.
When it comes to friendship, competition can be both a virtue and a vice.
Throughout the life span, there are ample opportunities for our competitive endeav-
ors to either facilitate friendships or to drive others away. For example, competition
can be adaptive in helping children and adolescents shape their self- concept and iden-
tity by revealing how they “stack- up” to their friends at school, sports, and other social
activities. Later in life, rivalry among friends can take the form of competing for roman-
tic partners, promotions at work, or even friendly competition during leisure activi-
ties. On the other hand, because of its inherently aggressive and dominating nature,
competitiveness as an enduring personality trait may come with social costs that can
include loneliness and greater difficulty making and keeping close, quality friendships.
In this chapter, we take a social- developmental approach to examining the role of
competition in friendship. We begin by first articulating the nature of competition
and competitiveness as conceptualized by social psychologists. Next, we take an