Kwame Anthony Appiah teaches philosophy
at N.Y.U. His books include ‘‘Cosmopolitanism,’’
‘‘The Honor Code’’ and ‘‘The Lies That Bind:
Rethinking Identity.’’Having a right
to do something
doesn’t make
it the right thing
to do.are relevant to their expertise. As I’ve said,
gender identity — like sexuality, religion,
race, ethnicity, national origin, political
affi liation and a whole lot else — isn’t one
of those facts.
My ex-husband’s new fi ancée recently
contacted me, insisting that I give up my
last name. She and I just happen to share
a fi rst name, which is unsurprising. It’s
a name that is as common as Hannah or
Elizabeth. I think she wants the name to
herself, which is understandable, but I still
don’t want to change it. It has been my
name for nearly 20 years, which is almost
half my life and my entire adult life.
My reasons are not personal but
professional: I married my husband
in my early 20s, while in grad school
(my diploma is in my married name) and
so are all my major publications. We
divorced amicably some time ago, and I
never bothered to change my name; it just
seemed easier to keep my married name.
Since then, my career has really taken off ,
and I’m fairly well known in my fi eld.
My ex’s fi ancée thinks I’m ‘‘sick
and stuck in the past’’ and that I should
be ‘‘embarrassed to not let things go.’’
Th at isn’t the case at all. It’s true that my
ex and I talk rarely; we are polite
when we do see each other. Th ough my
ex-husband is indiff erent about the
name change, he won’t get his wife to
back off.
Is it terrible and unethical to keep it?
Again my fi rst name is generic and his
last name is generic — think Johnson or
Smith. And a Google and social media
search yields hundreds of people with
the same name. I don’t think it’s a big
deal; she is furious, and I’m worried her
anger could escalate to harassment.
Is it wrong to stand my ground?
Is it unethical to disregard her and keep
a name?
I can’t reach out to friends as many
of them are mutual or near mutual,
and I don’t want things to get messy
or embarrassing for anyone.Name WithheldThe late scholar and poet John Hol-
lander delighted in noting that the word
‘‘preposterous’’ had the literal meaning of
‘‘before-afterly.’’ This woman’s demand is,
in the fullest sense, a preposterous one.
She has things backward. You’re the one
who had the name fi rst, and you’re the one
who has built a professional career under
that name. If this latecomer is worried
about distinguishing herself from you, she
can hyphenate her existing surname with
your ex-husband’s or keep it as it is.
I would ask her to stop communicat-
ing with you about this. What’s embar-
rassing here is her behavior, not yours.
May I add that the tone of her commu-
nications suggests that her problem isn’t
with your name but with the fact that her
future husband was once married to you?
It would seem to be the fi ancée who is
‘‘stuck in the past.’’