SHOl!fS & MURMURS1 2 4
GUIDELINES
BY JOI-IN KENNEYD
on't panic.
These are the two most impor-
tant words to remember. There is no cause
for alarm. The chances of you or some-
one you know contracting the virus re-
main c:xtremdy smalL Though you prob-
ably will contract the virus at some point.
Wash your hands. These are the three
most important words to remember.
We know we just said that don't panic
were the two most important words.
But, if there were five words to remem-
ber, it would be those five.
While you are not panicking, t:3ke
the time to wash your hands again. It's
a simple thing we all do every day. And
that doesn't have to change. Except for
the number of times you do it. If you
wash your hands, say, an average of five
times a day, keep doing that. But add
an additional thirty to forty times a day.
It's that simple. There's no magic num-
ber. But close to fifty is a good place to
be. And don't worry if you do it less
than that. Though chances arc good
that if you do it .less than that you will
contract the most serious strain of the
virus, which can result in death.
Again. What are the two to five
words we must remember? Don't panic
wash your hands. That's really all you
need to know.
A lot. Let's add the words "a lot."
Wash your hands more than you ever
thought a person could wash his or her
i hands. Ew:n if your hands start to bleed.
~ Which they will. It is perfectly normal
il and not a cause for concern if the backs
g
_, of your hands begin to get diy or crack
or bleed profusely. That's fine. There's
no law that says you can't walk around
with bloody hands.
This isn't complicated. Some ~
made it sound complicated, but it's not.
Except for the complication of us hav-
ing no idea where the next breakout
area will be. But you don't have to worry.
It's a big country. Though it does look
like the next major outbreak. will be
very close to where you are right now.
If you follow these seven simple
words-don't panic wash your hands a
lot never leave your home (let's add
those four)----you will in all probability
be fine, even though you will likely con-
tract the virus but will have little mem-
ory of contracting it owing to your fever,
loss of consciousness, and complete in-
ability to use any part of your body.
How much should you not feel the
need to pank?This much: you don't need
a facc mask. Think about that. Think
about how safe you are if you can walk
around without a face mask. And the
reason is that a fucc mask does absolutely
nothing but make you look silly. And by
"walk around" we mean walk around
your home, not outdoors, which with-
out a mask would be akin to suicide.
But there's no need to panic. Yet.
Low-level stress and anxiety are per-
fectly normal during a global crisis,
which this is not. Stress is so normal
that most Americans are feeling it right
now. Which is a perfectly healthy re-
sponse mechanism. And by "healthy"
we mean incredibly dangerous, since
stress is a leading cause of heart disease.The good news is that if you continue
worrying you can avoid contracting the
virus entirely by dying of a premature
heart attack.
These few smallish changes to your
daily life-hand washing, wearing latex
gloves, not going out of doors, never
touching another living being--don't
have to be painful. Also, where possi-
ble, avoid surfaces of any kind, Trader
Joe's products, and the earth's atmo-
sphere, since all of those things might
have been exposed to the virus.
Don't touch your face, which is now
the most dangerous place in the world.
If there are four words to use as a guide
to remaining alive during this pandemic,
it's these: don't touch your face. Add
them to our list of other words. Don't
panic wash your hands a lot never leave
your home don't touch your face. Sim-
ple. If you do that, you will have, at best,
a fifty-per-cent chance of living through
the night. And that's great news.
Question: Is my mouth part of my
face, and can I brush my teeth ifl have
washed my hands, donned surgical
gloves, unwrapped a new toothbrush,
and managed to rinse without touch-
ing my lips?
The answer is yes. If you have a
death wish.
What if someone shakes my hand
against my will?
Don't worry. That happens. It's im-
portant to go about your daily life and
do the things you normally do. As long
as those things involve not leaving your
home.Ever. Somebody shook your hand,
you say? You're fine. Wash your hands.
But scratch the person :first. Hard. On
the neck. Then scream. You could say
something like "You prick!" Or "What
the fuck is wrong with you?!" Some-
thing like that. In fact, it mlgh.t be good
to add those words to the most impor-
tant words you need to remember during
this crisis. Then run and wash )tXll' hands
and then wash them again and then
pray to whichever god. you pray to. But
don't panic. These things happen.
When we said crisis just then, we
certainly didn't mean a global emer-
gency. We merely meant that the world,
as you knew it, is over. But, again, there's
no need for panic. If there are roughly
nine words you should remember, it's
these: This will all be over soon. Or pos-
sibly never. +