Cosmopolitan US May2020

our Memorial

Day weekend

is filled with

dreams. Of

long, lazy

Netflix

binges. Of all the

laundry you’ll finally

get done. Of testing

the limits of how much

takeout a human

being can consume.

(See also: your Fourth

of July weekend,

Labor Day weekend,

Thanksgiving week-

end—all your holiday

weekends.)

But a sneaky, evil

trend is now threaten-

ing those precious 72

hours. Wait, what did

you just say? Holiday

weddings sound harm-

less, festive, maybe

even fun? Ha ha ha ha

ha haaaaa.

First, they zap your

bank account even

more than regular

weddings do. Travel

over, say, New Year’s

Eve is insanely expen-

sive, especially when

a zillion other vaca-

me deal with the wrath

of my abandoned

mother? The aftermath

of that could span

decades!

As for ye olde chest-

nut that if you schedule

your wedding on an

inconvenient date, “the

people who really love

you will show up no

matter what”—yeah,

totally unfair. I might

really love a person

and want to see them

get hitched, but I might

also have preexisting

plans with other non-

family “people” I love

(including my dog-

child and prized trash

pajamas).

Look, everyone who

pretends to be your

friend but then sends a

four-pound invite to

spend your free PTO

doing the hustle with

their Uncle Larry, do us

all a favor: Plan your

big-ass party on any of

the year’s many, many

other weekends. Or

don’t! Whatever! My

opinion doesn’t really

matter, and you are

obviously totally fine

with people talking shit

behind your back

about how inconsider-

ate you are. JK, JK, JK.

But really. No más.

Love you. Mean it.

Why let love come between

me and the errands I need to run?

By LAURA BECK

tioners want to stay at

the mid-century bou-

tique inn the bride

guilt-insists you book.

(Like, I really want to

come to your wed-

ding, but do you know

how much Thai food

$753 can buy?)

And ofc, there are

the crowds. I distinctly

remember attending

a Fourth of July wed-

ding in Vegas where

the hotel’s check-in

line literally snaked

out the door in the

Nevada heat.

I should probs also

address the emotion-

ally annoying issue of

rescheduling or skip-

ping long-standing

holiday weekend

plans that are harder

to get out of than jury

duty. Memorial Day

with Mom in Maine

and Labor Day at

the lake are crazy-

important familial

traditions (who do you

think is doing said

laundry?). Are you

really going to make

I’

m

no

ta

ba

dfriend...

you’re

the

ba

d

fr

ie

n

d

!

Stop having your

weddings

on

holidays, people!

66 Cosmopolitan May 2020

life

IL

LU

ST

R

AT

IO

N

B

Y^

KA

TI

E^

BU

C

KL

EI

TN

ER

.