236 Part 2 Interpersonal Communication
NAME: Anonymous
OCCUPATION: Police officer[Note: Due to security
reasons, the officer must
remain anonymous.]
I’m a police officer
in Chicago. Cops on TV are always running
around with their guns drawn or tossing bad
guys against brick walls, and although I do
some of that, of course, I’d say that over 90
percent of my job is spent communicating with
people. And most of that time is about manag-
ing conflict.
In my first few years out of the academy, I
responded to a lot of domestic disputes. Neigh-
bors call in about other neighbors making too
much noise; spouses and parents call in about
fighting in the home. These are unproductive
conflicts: screaming, destruction of property, and
all too often violence. And few things have the
potential to escalate unproductive conflict like
uniformed men and women coming into your
home with guns, right?
The first thing I do is use my eyes to see if
physical injuries are apparent or if a crime has
been committed. If so, it’s a domestic violence
situation, and I arrest the perpetrator, taking him
or her to jail. The conflict is temporarily resolved.
Most of the time, however, these calls are inci-
dents of domestic disputes. A crime hasn’t been
committed. I can’t make an arrest. And my job
becomes much more difficult. Now I have to
manage conflict—through mediation.First, I don’t use any challenging strategies
as I might with a drug dealer on the street. I stay
nonaggressive (I am, after all, in someone else’s
home). I try not to lean forward, I stay out of
people’s faces, and I speak in a monotone. I try
to exude calmness, because everyone else in the
place is freaking out.
One time, I had a man who simply wouldn’t
stop screaming at and about his wife: I hate her!
I hate her guts! As calmly as possible, I asked,
“You hate who?” He said, I hate my wife! I looked
shocked and said, “Sir, you hate your wife?”
I kept the questions coming. In the academy
they call this verbal judo, the sword of insertion.
In communication classes, it’s called probing.
I asked the man simple questions, getting him
down to facts, getting him to think about things
reasonably, as opposed to thinking about them
emotionally.
Sometimes, I’ll turn to one party and say, as
respectfully as possible, “Listen, I know I don’t
have a right to ask you to leave your own house,
but maybe there’s a cousin’s place you can go
crash at for the night, or maybe you can go take
a long walk and cool down.” It’s not a win-win or
lose-lose resolution; it’s a separation, a tempo-
rary one. It’s an escapist strategy, a prevention
of further unproductive conflict, a rain check on
the situation until a better time, when heads are
cooler. Often that’s the best I can do. I’ve got
other homes to go to, other conflicts to manage.real communicator
In addition to having relational benefits, forgiveness can also have health
benefits. Research shows that forgiveness following interpersonal conflict can
reduce the stress load on the heart (Lawler et al., 2003). Having a more “for-
giving personality” is also associated with improved cardiovascular functioning
(Toussaint & Cheadle, 2009), as well as greater overall mental health and physi-
cal well-being (see, for example, Toussaint, Owen, & Cheadle, 2012).
Note, however, that requiring an apology or penance from another person
before you are willing to forgive may actually have negative consequences. For